Fan Fiction Friday: Green Lantern and Green Arrow in “Light and Heavy Greens”

?Today’s FFF was sent to me by King Duck. It’s a very special tale by Duke 89 which has no sex in it. At all. And you know what that means!

Oliver leaned back on his chair. Running his fingers through his
moustache. Hal was late. He knew because he had been late himself
arriving at Hal apartment and had hadn’t even bothered to change out of
his Green Arrow costume. Just left his quiver under the window and sat
down.
“It can’t be that hard getting chicken from Knight Wings can it?” He muttered to himself. 

It means you’re going to wish there was, so you don’t have to read about things as monumentally stupid as Green Arrow getting fast food chicken from a restaurant chain called Knight Wings. But that’s only the beginning of this unique story of… well, I don’t want to spoil it for you, now do I? The brave and the bold may hit the jump; everyone else should spare themselves the agony.

Oliver leaned back forward and picked up the remote on the table and
turned the TV back on. He started flipping through the channels again.
Reminding himself Hal couldn’t afford every channel like he could. “Cop
show. Teenage sitcom…” Oliver said dully as he pressed the channel up
button. He stopped on a news story showing somebody getting arrested.

Sadly, by watching a show about a bad guy getting arrested, Green Arrow is instantly more superheroic than Green Lantern was during the entirety of his movie.

The camera zoomed out to show hoards of citizens around Green Lantern.
“Now I feel really bad waiting around.” Oliver smirked as he watched the
brunette reporter pushed herself through the crowd.
“Green Lantern…”
She said reaching over a group of kids. “Could you answer a few
questions for us?” Oliver smiled as Hal finished signing an autograph
for one of the boys she was reaching over.

Don’t get too caught up in trying to comprehend these sentences. tThere’s a lot of them, and we’ve only just begun.

“You have my attention.” Hal smiled to her.
“Any idea what Major Disaster was doing here?”

“Lashing out because of his incredibly stupid supervillain name?”

“He
thought he could ambush me, hadn’t thought things through was blown
away.” Hal created a small fan as he spoke, causing the crowd to laugh.
The reporter however was unimpressed.

Because the reporter wasn’t a learning disabled six-year-old.

“I’ll cut to the chase. What do
you have to say about the claims the Justice League is being a bad
influence?” The crowd all turn on her, but Green Lantern smiled and flew
over the crowd so he was between them and her.

Again, do not try to make sense of these “sentences.” You’ll only give yourself an embolism before the real nightmare starts.

“What do you mean bad
influence miss?” Hal asked politely. “Because I can assure, the Justice
League does what normal police can’t do because it is too dangerous for
them. And at the same time we’re a glimmer of hope in a blackest
night.” Oliver clapped slowly as the reporter could only gawk in
response.

So the reporter is the only person who has three firing synapses in the world of this story. Got it.

The crowd also cheered and Green Lantern begun to glow green
to fly off before the reporter found her voice.
“I mean about the so
called clams Superheroes are encouraging unhealthy eating habits?” GL
dropped to the ground and looked at her.

?Oh indeed.

“Unhealthy eating habits?
I’m pretty sure we wouldn’t be what we are if we ate junk food miss.” He
smirked and turned to face the crowd. “Eat ya greens kids!”

“By which I mean my penis! Good night, and tip your waitress! And by tip I also mean penis.”

The crowd
broke into laughter as the reporter signaled for her cameraman to cut
off. Oliver laughed as the camera cut back to its regular programming. A
bunch of old ladies sitting on a couch acting like they know
everything.

Flag on the moon.

“Geez, late afternoon TV isn’t always great on all five
hundred channels I have at the best of times.” He leaned back and zoned
out.

Because he’s apparently on mescaline. What the fuck is he talking about?

Until there was a knock at the window. Oliver jumped; at the window
was Hal, with a bucket of chicken wings under his arm. Oliver opened
the window and Hal ducked inside, closing the window with his ring
behind him.

You know, a lot of fan fic writers are insane, but they’re usually just
insane about the big things — like, for instance, underage cartoon
animals raping each other. It takes a very special insane person to be
insane about the little things too, like deciding that Green Lantern
would choose to enter his own apartment through a window, but also
knock first while holding a bucket of chicken.

“And where were you when Major Disaster attacked me,
Green Arrow?” Hal said crossly putting the bucket on the table. Oliver
however smiled.

“I was applauding the pretty pictures on the magic box!”

“I’m not the best role model for the citizens…” Hal glared.
“Encouraging unhealthy eating habits? I know Bruce’s butler makes a fine roast and Clark’s ma? Best apple pie I ever had.”

Oh my god what the fuck is going on

“And
now we’re eating take away chicken.” Oliver said sitting down at the
table. “The bucket itself had blue and white stripes on it, along with a
yellow chicken where a medieval helmet with a red tuff of feathers on
the top. “With a chicken as a mascot.”

Is… is that important to note? Oh god, I’m so scared

Oliver stared at the bowl of
chicken, blinking slowly.

David Lynch’s The Brave and the Bold!

“Try it. I don’t let some snobby reporter
tell you what to eat.” Oliver grabbed a piece. His mouth watering and
bit into it. The spices rolled onto his tongue and he took another bite,
tearing most of the meat off the bone.

When Col. Sanders writes DC fan fiction.

“Alright Hal. This is good…”
Oliver dropped his piece when he saw Hal was already on his third piece
of chicken. “You wanna slow down Hal?” Hal tore off the last of the meat
and stuffed it in his mouth.
“Mope Mime Mood!” Hal said before
dropping the bones and grabbing another piece.

I don’t have even the faintest clue what Hal is supposed to be saying here. Honestly, if it was “Nope, Mime food!” I wouldn’t be that surprised.

Oliver grabbed his second
piece of chicken and slowly ate it. His appetite no longer there
despite the pleasant spices on his tongue. He watched as Hal used his
ring to create a napkin to wipe the grease off his face before grabbing
the last piece and chomped in down in a few bites.

Would… would that work? Are Hal’s hard-light constructions absorbent? Because if they are, that raises a lot of disturbing questions about the Guardians of Oa and what the fuck their problem is.

Oliver stood up;
something didn’t look right about Hal while he was sitting down. “Ollie?
There’s still another two pieces in the bucket…” Oliver however looked
at Hal.

Oh god… somebody’s going to lick somebody else’s fingers, aren’t they?

“Stand up…” Hal looked at him and complied. “Now I’m doing
this as your friend…” Oliver grabbed Hal’s gut and pulled out a piece of
flab. “LOOK AT THIS FAT!” Hal pushed him off and looked at himself in
shock.
“I… No…”

“Hal, I’m no doctor, but I think you’ve come down with a serious case of fat fuck-itis.”

“It’s the chicken Hal. You just eat like six pieces while I ate two. How often do you even eat it?”
“I guess I do drop by the place one or two times a week…” He said slowly pulling on the roll of flab Oliver had pointed out.

“Come on, Ollie, you know my oath. In brightest day, in blackest night, no fried food shall escape my sight.”

“You
didn’t go as Green Lantern did you?” Hal smirked with a shrug. Oliver
could only slam his face into his palm. “Hal. Take from someone who
knows. IT’S HARD TO FIX A BAD PUBLIC IMAGE!”
“She said the Justice
League, not just Green Lantern, Arrow!” Oliver paused for a moment and
looked at television, it was showing the fight between Hal and Major
Disaster. Oliver turned up the volume when the footage froze as Green
Lantern skidded to a stop in front of the camera.
“Does he look like
he’s gained weight to you?” Asked one of the old women on the talk show.
There was some laughter from the audience.

Chill out, Hal. Just rename yourself from Green Lantern to Green Spotlight. Problem solved.

“I don’t know. But… The
other week the Flash ran into a bakery…” Another woman said, as the
image changed to the Flash, who was covered in what looked like a
wedding cake and was licking some of it off his arm. Behind him was
Nightwing, wiping some of the same cake off his arm. Neither seemed
aware their photo was being taken.
“They we stopping a crime. I hate reporters…”
“Who’d want to knock off a bakery?” Hal objected.

?

“Whoever thought it’d be funny to bake Flash and Nightwing into a cake.” Oliver answered.
“The Joker? You’re kidding right?”
“No
it was the Trickster… Wally told Dinah told me.”

The Trickster tries to bake Nightwing and Flash into a cake. The Joker kills Nightwing and Flash, cremates them, and then uses their ashes to make a cake which he tricks Batman into eating. That’s the difference between Joker and the Trickster.

They looked back at
the screen. Almost every photo and clip showed some superhero either
eating something or had obviously had been thrown at them. Ending on
Superman standing between Metallo and an ice cream truck.

“METALLO JUST WANTS A ROCKET POP!”

“I wouldn’t be
surprised if our old buddy Luthor was behind this somehow.”

I’m actually insulted on behalf of Lex Luthor.

Oliver
turned to Hal. “And you stuffing your face with deep fried chicken isn’t
helping!” Hal could only slink in his chair and look at his gut glumly.

And sweat and breathe heavily.

“Alright… I’ll cut back on the wings.” He said slowly.
“Good”
Oliver said grapping one of the wings at the bottom of the bucket.
“We’ll turn that flab into more muscle in no time!” Hal looked up and
smirked.

Ladies and gentlemen, please mix those cocktails, because here’s the part where it gets weird.

“I could easily get more…” He stood up as his ring glowed
brightly. Oliver watched in awe as Hal seem to get taller, his chest
seemed to stretch out and his legs grew thicker. Oliver rubbed his eyes,
he wasn’t seeing things. Hal was growing, in muscle. The flab in gut
sucked itself in, turning into solid abs under Hal’s uniform. Hal
smirked as his pecs grew more noticeable as well. Both almost the size
of the table. His arms swelled like balloons too, his legs the same. Hal
stopped growing with his head inches from the roof. Hal stood twice his
normal size, his suit spraining under the stress of all the new muscles
it contained. Oliver could only blink as he looked his friend over.
“How’d… How?”
“The
ring Ollie!” Boasted Hal. His voice a pitch or two deeper.

“Few people know this, but my ring is powered by equal parts will and Stacker 2.”

“The
energy’s powered me up so I could take the ring off if I wanted to and
I’d still be like this!” Hal spun around, clenching his massive buttocks
in Oliver’s face. Oliver took a step back.

As well he should.

He didn’t want to look but
can’t look away… He finally cleared his throat when Hal spun back
around. Very smug about himself as he and Hal had lost track of time.
“Jealous Ollie?”
“No. I’ll just go to the drug store and get my own
Green Lantern ring quick fix.” Oliver grumped.” You’re losing weight the
hard way.”

Antonyms! They’re not synonyms.

Hal dropped his arms and hunched over.
“Come on Ollie…
Don’t be a tool.”

In fairness, every single Green Arrow comic would be improved by this line of dialogue.

Oliver just crossed his arms and frowned. “Alright…
fine.”  Hal leaned forward with his arm in front of him. “Just give me a
feel first.” Oliver groaned and the muscle in Hal’s arm a poke. It felt
hard and very much like what he expected a muscle to be. He poked
again, this time he thought he was touching a telephone pole.

WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON HERE

“Can’t
tell the difference can you?”

“Between your muscle and a telephone pole? No. Which one do utility workers climb on again?”

Oliver took his finger off and crossed his
arms. “You know I can just squash you right?”
“But you won’t.
Besides what’s to stop you from just getting fat again?” Hal laughed as
his stomach rumbled, imagining himself becoming bloated after eating the
rest of the chicken.

Ha ha! It’s funny because WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK IS HAPPENING

Then he used slammed his massive form on Ollie.
His ring begun to glow and his body started shaking. Hal’s muscles
seemed to start melting.

…

“HAL!” Oliver cried out in panic. He grabbed
Hal’s ring hand, which was as big as his head now, and tried to pull
the ring off. He lost his grip as Hal’s hand softened into blubber. The
powerful arms became dough, which spread quickly like running water to
Hal’s hands, which also became chubby. It was the same for Hal’s legs.
The feet in his suit went from a pointy pentagon shape to rounded
rectangle. Hal’s washboard like gut exploded into a large pillow, as did
his Pecs, which became like saggy bags. Hal yelped in horror at what
was happening to him. He belched loudly as his tight butt became
voluminous. In one last burst, Hal gained a layer of fat around his
neck, which pushed all his new body fat down his form, the strain on his
fingers forced the ring off his finger. Which hit Oliver hit the chest
and whizzed past Hal’s head. Hal stepped to go after it but he over
balanced and fell. He hit the floor with a loud thud which shook the
whole building. After landing Hal was shuffled onto his gut. The fat on
the back of his neck prevented him from looking up and his chin fat
rested on his scrunched up chest. Hal grumbled as he raised his arms up,
looking like a giant seal that hadn’t moved in day.

?…
Wow. I really jumped the gun on the “WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK IS HAPPENING” comments, didn’t I.

“Ollie…” Hal
grunted. “Get the ring…” Hal looked up as best he could, but couldn’t
see Oliver anywhere.

Green Lantern’s in trouble in this month’s issue of The Brave and the Blubbery!

Hal waited for a moment but he didn’t see Oliver’s
legs, or hear any footsteps. “Ollie?” Hal looked around, Oliver was
nowhere in sight. Suddenly, he felt something in his chest.

A massive coronary?

Hal pushed
down with his hands the best he could and slowly forced himself up.
After a few seconds his arms gave out and he slammed onto the floor, his
body wobbling all over. Pushing on his right arm and leg, Hal rolled
over. Hitting the wall he was able to sit up. He felt exhausted after
resting his back against the wall. He felt the feeling in his chest
again but he also heard a muffled sound come from it. Hal looked down as
best he could. On his puffy chest was Oliver, who was the exact
opposite of him. Oliver was flat as a pancake.

?

Hal gasped and grabbed at
Ollie with his flabby fingers. At last he tore The Heroic Bowman off
his chest like a sticker.

Oh god how I just wish they were fucking each other in the ass. At least that would make a certain amount of sense.

Ollie had a shocked look on his face, mouth
and eyes wide open, his left arm looked longer as he had used it to try
and balance himself when Hal fell on him while his right had been
covered by his hand and rested on his chest. “Oliver? Say something…”
“I’ll kill you.” Oliver forced out. He couldn’t muster much more than a whisper.
“I’d
kill me too.” Hal agreed and lifted him higher. Oliver’s legs appeared
to stop just past the knees. “so he had both feet flat on the ground
then…” Hal thought to himself. He didn’t smile knowing Oliver had passed
finding humor in their situation.

Okay, let’s take a moment to think about this for a second, as much as we’d like to avoid doing so. Green Lantern used his magic ring to make himself really buff and muscled, something his ring can’t actually do as demonstrated in the last 50 years of DC comics, and then suddenly he got super obese, still in contradiction of his ring powers but also basic physics and biology. And then Green Lantern landed on Green Arrow, who flattened like a goddamn Looney Tunes character, something his “firing-an-arrow-really-well” powers shouldn’t let Green Arrow do, nor GL’s ring, nor the weakened tenets of reality as presented in most superhero comics.

You know what I find most fucked up about this? Is that DC has a superhero that could be flattened — a reasonably well-known one — in Plastic-Man. If Duke 89 wanted to write about a super-fat Green Lantern landing on a DC hero and flattening him, there’s actually a decent candidate for that (although the Green Lantern fat thing would still make no damned sense). But no, the author decided to make it Green Arrow, despite… well, everything, really. Remember when I talked about about being insane about the small things as well as the big things? Case in point.

“Can you move?” Oliver said nothing.
“I
would have smacked you if I could. And you’re starting to sweat where
you’re holding…” Oliver slipped out of Hal’s giant sweaty fingers and
fluttered onto Hal’s quad before sliding off and landing in a doubled up
mass on the floor. “How long am I going to stay like this?”

“Well, I’m not a doctor, but apparently I’ve crushed all your bones into a fine powder. It’s not exactly something we can spray a bit of bactine on, Ollie.”

“Until I can find my ring and force it onto my finger…” Hal stressed out as he tried to stand.
“Hal.
Look for it first.” Oliver called as Hal’s leg almost smothered him.

Hal should look for the ring before putting it on? The author has made some bold strides towards understanding basic causality during the course of writing this story! Good for him.

The bloated Lantern slunk down the wall and looked. The space wasn’t
big. Hal spotted the ring, it was in front of the door. Breathing
deeply, Hal tried standing up again. He got onto his feet, before
stepping on Oliver and falling face first into the floor. Ollie
meanwhile was sent into the air and floated across the room and his legs
slid under the sofa as he landed.
“Ollie?” Called Hal. “You alright?”

“Um, I don’t know how to tell you this, but I found the ring… but then I ate it. I WAS JUST SO HUNGRY, OLLIE.”

“Peachy.”
Oliver sarcastically said as loudly as he could. “I’m no better than a
piece of paper right now.” Oliver wasn’t sure Hal heard him as he could
hear grunting as the fat lantern tried to stand up again. He didn’t hear
only thumps, at first, but they were much smaller than he expected, so
Hal must have been walking. The vibrations in each step grew louder.
Oliver could make out Hal’s immense silhouette as he past. One footstep
caused him to fold over so he was now facing his chest, he could see the
outlines of his muscles even though they were lacking dimensions. Hal
in the meantime was step away from his ring. Hal smiled as he reached
for it.

I say this every time I feature an FFF with no sex, but WHHHYYYYYYYYYYYY. I don’t like it when underage cartoon characters rape each other, but I understand the idea of sexual desire, and why someone would write a story about things that sexually excite them, no matter how depraved. But to spend your time writing a story where Green Lantern gets really, really fat and just waddles around for a while? I DO NOT UNDERSTAND, SIR.

Bending down on one knee Hal stretched his chunky arms as far as
he could. His fingers brushed the ring but it didn’t move. Hal went
down onto his hip, but even on his side he had difficulty reaching the
tiny ring.

You can do it, Hal! Imagine it’s a Ding Dong! NO DON’T EAT IT

“Gotcha!” Hal cried at last tapping his meaty pointer
finger down on it. Sliding it towards him Hal tried to pick it up. His
fingers smothered the ring. He tried sliding it onto one of fingers, but
he only knocked it onto the floor. He picked up and tried again this
time with his pinky finger. “Come on!” Hal put the ring in his left palm
and pushed his right pointer down on it. At last Hal felt the flab on
his finger squash as the ring slipped on, the ring then slid down his
finger all by itself, expanding to fit his finger. Hal smiled through
his chubby cheeks, which quickly deflated back to normal. Hal shrank a
little as a flash of green light left him lying on the floor in front of
the door, back to his normal self.

You know, I doubt there’s anything Hal could do that would more effectively convince Sinestro to abandon his life of evil besides telling him this story. “Wait a second. You mean I’m been trying to beat you for 50 goddamn years, and you were nearly defeated by a bucket of friend chicken and your own goddamn incompetency? Fuck it. I give up.”

Hal took his ring off and as his
civilian clothes appeared, his gut softened a bit. “Okay Ollie. You were
right. I’ll cut back on the chicken…” Hal stood up and looked around.
His apartment was empty. “Ollie?” He looked down at the sofa, Oliver was
still folded over and part why under. Hal grabbed him by the head and
he unfolded as he lifted him up.
“Now will you fix me?” Oliver said
impatiently. Hal thought for a moment. He looked from his ring in one
head, and the cut out of Green Arrow in the other. “Hal, buddy…?” Hal
swapped Oliver in his hands and held him between his ring as he slid it
back into his finger. The lantern uniform returned and nothing happened.
“What’s going on?” Hal rubbed his chin with his free hand.
“I’m not sure. Guess the energy squashed ya…”
“Hal. Please, fix me.” Hal created a bicycle pump with his ring.
“What are you doing Hal?” The pump turned into a mangle.
“Weighing my options…” Hal said with a smirk.

Ha ha, it’s funny because he said “weigh” and he was fat a minute ago! Also, because he’s going to masturbate over the two-dimensional form of his boneless best friend.

And that’s the end. Except not! Because Duke 89 later wrote an extended ending! Why it could just be part of the regular story I don’t know, but if I have to read it so do you!

“Hal. Please, fix me.” Hal created a bicycle pump with his ring.
“What are you doing Hal?” The pump turned into a mangle.

By the way, if anyone understands what the author means by “mangle,” please don’t tell me because it scares the living fuck out of me. 

“Weighing my options…” Hal said with a smirk.

We read this part already. Get on with it.

Oliver couldn’t change his face, but he knew Hal understood how he was feeling.
The mangle vanished.
“I was only joking Ollie.” Hal said at last. He laid Oliver on the floor and created a bike pump with his ring. The cord flew onto Oliver’s flat mouth and grew into a mask which cover Oliver’s nose as well.
Slowly but surely, air begun to make its way into Oliver’s body. Oliver felt his head grew first, Oliver’s eyes widened as he felt his chest stretch back into its normal thickness. Oliver’s right arm grew out from his chest, raising like snake from a basket. His left arm swelled back to its normal size as well. His legs were the last to return to normal, Oliver coughed awkwardly as his groin returned to normal and his legs reinflated as it happened, he jerked up as his toes popped back into shape. Oliver looked up at Hal. Whose ring stopped glowing as the pump and mask faded away. Hal helped him back onto his feet. “You okay Green Pancake?”
“I am now… Green Lard bucket.”
“Good.” Hal said, oddly cheery.
“I think I might call it a night…” Before Oliver could do anything he was surrounded by a green light. Hal was pointing his ring at him and it was glowing brightly. Oliver couldn’t move and he rose into the air. “Hal? This isn’t funny!” Oliver was forcibly straightened out, his arms pinned to his sides and his feet were pointed downwards. Hal chuckled.
“I don’t know Ollie.” Hal tilted his hand, causing a green mangle appeared under Oliver.

WHAT THE FUCK IS A MANGLE NO GOD DON’T TELL ME

“I thought you made a good… beefcake.” Oliver couldn’t look down, but he didn’t need to. His toes lowered onto the rollers and were squeezed between them when they started moving.

Is it like a Play-Doh thing? NO SHUT UP I SAID DON’T TELL ME

“Look Hal…” Oliver strained out as his shins entered the mangle and were pressed flat on the other side. “If this about calling you fat… I was only looking out for you. As a friend.” Hal said nothing. He only smiled as he continued to lower Oliver into the rollers. Oliver’s knees descended into the rollers next, the wafer thin archer underneath was slowly getting bigger. Oliver’s hips were next to be sucked it. He felt his buttocks press together as he was lowered through the rollers. As his cheeks finished going through Oliver was stopped.
“Oops…” Hal said. “Forgot to make it wide enough for your arms!” Oliver was pulled upwards, going back through the rollers. His flattened groin staying flat as it moved back up. The mangle flashed a bright green and widened out, brushing Oliver’s still three dimensional fingers.
“Is that even you Hal…?” Oliver asked uneasily as his fingers entered the rollers, being squashed to the thickness of his lower half. His wrists followed alongside his already done thighs. Oliver couldn’t help but gawk as his neither regions were pushed between the rollers again in between his elbows. Then his chest entered the rollers, short on breath Oliver could only force out an anguished “Why?” as his Pecs and shoulders were squashed down, making way for his head, which slipped through and was spat out like the rest of him. The mangle vanished and Oliver folded up into a heap on the floor. Oliver was again frozen with a look of shock on his face. Hal picked him up with his ring hand.
Oliver had come out wonderfully he thought. His arms were by his sides and his feet pointed downwards. “This opens up so many doors!” Hal said with glee. He slid his ring off and his costume vanished. Leaving him in casual clothes. “I wonder how you’d go for on Ebay?” Hal smirked at Oliver for a few seconds.
“Don’t worry Ollie. I’ll restore ya soon. In a week or so…”

Ha ha! Hal’s still going to masturbate on the two-dimensional form of his bonelessbest friend! Ha ha ah ha ha ha HA AHA HA HA HA HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGHHHHH