Special-er Star Wars Special Editions: And the Winners Are…

After spending most of yesterday and most of today reading and judging and then posting the contest results — I’m ready to utter a few “NOOOOOOOOOOO”s myself. The contest had over 1,100 comments, although I’ll admitted that many of them were people just having conversations; however, since most people entered many, many entries in each comment, I’d say there were at least 3,000 entries? Maybe more? Most them hysterical? This may explain why there are so many HMs this time, as because at a certain point I was just too tired to pare them any longer. My exhaustion is your extra entertainment! Switch off your targeting computer and hit the jump, if you please.

Many Bothans died to bring us these Honorable Mentions.

Ridureyu:

Boba Fett climbs out of the Sarlacc after the fight is done. He then gives a shrug and a thumbs-up to the audience, and dances into the distance.
—
When Alderaan is blown up, Tarkin says, “I can see their parachutes. They’re okay.”
—
The following things have been replaced with Walkie-Talkies:
Blasters
Lightsabers
X-Wings
The Death Star
R2-D2
Chewbacca’s Nose
Nien Nunb
Clones
Stormtroopers
Imperial Officer hats
AT-STs
Ewok Ears
Taun-Taun innards
Jar-Jar’s tongue
The medals Leia pins on people
Leia
Mark Hamill’s Facial Scars

TheSpacePope:

Chewbacca’s wookie talk is replaced by Morgan Freeman trying to do his best Chewbacca impersonation, giving up and talking in his regular voice for the rest of the film.
Jedisilk:
The Yub Yub song at the end RoTJ is replaced with Foreigner’s “I want to know what love is”.
—
Chewbacca is replaced with 3 Ewoks.

Midwest_Avenger:

More rocks. Every scene needs more rocks. Since it was SO IMPORTANT for rocks to be added to R2 hiding in the cave during the sand people attack. Such as:
When Luke is being held by the Wampa in ESB, he will now be covered in rocks.
When Luke is escaping the Rancor in ROTJ, instead of throwing 1 rock at the control panel, it will be edited to show that Luke is throwing multiple rocks, multiple times.
Rocks.

Rob Hyland:

The ghost of every character ever killed in all the Star Wars movies join Obi-Wan, Anakin and Yoda on Endor. Young Boba Fett is holding Jango’s head as it gives Luke a smile of approval. R5-D4 is doing a little robot jig. A barrage of Storm Troopers shoot look glances of forgiveness (even the glances they shoot somehow miss Luke). And finally, the ghosts of the fans’ collective childhood are just a weepin’.

Touchshriek:

“A young Jedi named Darth Vader, who was a pupil of mine until he turned to evil, helped the Empire hunt down and destroy the Jedi knights. He betrayed and murdered your father.”
*Obi-wan turns to the camera and winks*

Daniel Dean:

“You fought in the Clone Wars?”
“Nope. Clone Wars were a bunch of clones fighting a bunch of robots. I mostly flew around and chased old people and rode shrieking lizard horses.”
——
“But a Parsec is a measure of distance.”
“So’s your mom, but I still manned her cockpit.”
—-
“Artoo, I suggest a new strategy: set the wookiee on fire and fly away. You can do both of those.”
—-
“Obi-Wan Kenobi….I wonder if she means old Not-Obi-Wan Kenobi….”
—
“A young Jedi named Darth Vader, who was a pupil of mine until I cut his legs off and set him on fire on the final level before Bowser’s castle, betrayed the Jedi and killed your father. Let’s go with that.”

SlyDante:

The prequel trilogy is now just re-released as “Spaceballs II: The Quest For More Money”, the way it was intended to be.
—
Lucas just decides to get revenge on us for mocking his films all the time, & subliminally inserts ducktits into the background of one scene. It doesn’t actually affect the story & will barely be scene, but all of us will now have to live the feeling of dread that we have seen them.

Vatea42:

What I would pay good money for: Blu-ray with bonus interactive Jar-Jar Binks Voodoo doll. Whatever you do to the doll while watching, happens to Jar-Jar on screen.
What we will probably really get: Jar-Jar and Watto show up in the Cantina and sing a duet of “Islands in the Stream.”

Elzear:

Lucas adds special picture-in-picture feature where the newest, most polished version plays full screen with the original, unsullied version playing in the tiny box, still VHS quality imagery. There is no way to switch the primary screen to the originals.

VindicaSean:

Jar Jar is shown at a random point in the ROTJ “Ewok Victory Party,” and is not acknowledged by anyone. Then, every bit of action stops, cutting to Jar Jar opening his mouth and a very out of place voice saying “I need to return to my home planet. My people need me.” He is then slowly pulled up and out of frame via animation cel, with a slide whistle sound effect. A subtitle reads, “Jar Jar died while on the journey back to his home planet.” We then see his Force ghost standing next to Yoda, Anakin, and Obi-Wan.

Andrew Sofman:

Deciding that the original trilogy looks outdated, all three movies are redone in CGI to match the Clone Wars series.
—
Deciding that the prequel trilogy looks outdated next to the new CGI original Trilogy, those three movies are redone to match them. This causes the Special Edition Prequel set to be delayed an extra day (and a year).

MattKerr:

Every single fall in any of the six movies now has a Wilhelm Scream. Not just falls from great heights, either, or unintentional falls. If a character goes from an upper level to a lower level: Wilhelm! This also includes space battles, even though there’s technically no “Up” or “Down” in space; if the camera gives the impression of going down: Wilhelm!
—
Admiral Ackbar is digitally replaced by Dr. Zoidberg.
—
In “A New Hope,” during the pivotal battle between Obi-Wan Kenobi and Darth Vader, Vader’s memorable line “The circle is complete: when I left you, I was but a learner; now I am the master!” has been replaced with “The circle is complete: when I left you, I was but a youngling taken from his mother at an early age to join a monastic society that didn’t know there was a Sith Lord on the same damn planet; who was prophesied to bring balance to the Force in some vague way, yet underestimated and treated like a damn retard and improperly trained by the entire Jedi council so that, when I grew up and turned against them, it really should have come at no real surprise; aiding in wiping out all the Jedi council and left to die limbless on a molten rock because you couldn’t bring yourself to show me mercy and deliver the final death blow to me and end my suffering…now I am the master!”

(this change is in conjunction with the additions of the “NO”‘s to ROTJ so that there’s a sense of connection between the OT and NT, and also to clear up a glaring continuity problem).

And instead of calling him “Darth” (as if “Darth” was his first name or
something, not a title), Obi-Wan now calls him “Annie” (which Vader
responds with an annoyed growl every time). When Vader delivers the killing blow, he says “FUCK YOUR HIGH GROUND, BITCH!” and his stomp to Obi-Wan’s cloak as if he were questioning where he went is now replaced with a teabagging.
—
In an move no one saw coming, George Lucas actually releases every single Star Wars film unaltered from its original theatrical release on Blu-Ray, the only changes been the necessary alterations for superb picture and sound quality. The Star Wars community, both advocates and detractors, having not seen the original trilogy in their original formats since 1995 and having never watched the prequels enough to memorize every detail, fail to notice and bitch about the new releases anyway, wishing that Lucas would release the versions they “remember from our childhood.”

ThePirateStar:

When Luke asks Leia “Do you remember your mother–your REAL
mother?” She responds with “No. She died shortly after I was born, because she just gave up on life”
WhatLurksBeneath:
A new scene will be added in ANH where Obi-Wan takes Luke’s midi-chlorian count to make sure it is up to snuff before he starts training him in the Force.
—
A new 45 minute sequence will be added to ANH where Vader decides to take a side trip to Tatooine while they are orbiting the planet to take part in another pod race – just for old time’s sake. He will also have a hilarious run-in with Watto while he’s down there.
—
A new scene will be added with Luke saying “Let’s try spinning, that’s a good trick!” while flying down the Death Star Trench.
—
The bartender in the Mos Eisley cantina is replaced with a CGI Bea Arthur to better mesh with the holiday special
—
Harvey Korman in all of his Holiday Special roles is seen littering the backgrounds throughout all six films, and Yoda is seen watching the “stir, whip” segment in his hut when Luke arrives.

Odkin:

In order to eliminate all violence, the entire series will be retitled “Star Debates”, and all action sequences will be replaced with CGI-extended Senate negotiations about interplanetary trade and the separation of Jedi and State.
? Star Debates: A New Vote
? The Opposition Strikes Back
? Regulation of the Jedi

Pumpkinguts:

I want an HM for posting this a few days ago!
Pumpkinguts, 1 day ago
These look like winning entries to the TR contest Come up with the most Ridculous Additions to the new blu-rays.

LJDarten:

The blu-ray has a menu item that says “original trilogy remastered with no additions or changes.” it’s not select-able. but it looks like it is, so it will drive you nuts as you (against all logic) try to move around the menu trying to get to it.
—
When the ghost-jedi appear at the end of ROTJ, they approach luke and tell him how midi-chlorians allowed them to keep existing because they are actually tiny little ships from another dimension that attach to people for fuel.
And the force is just their microscopic ships taking actions to help the person they are attached to.
and the pilots are actually humans from our future.
and magic isn’t real even in movies so fuck off and eat a dick.
-love, georgie lucas

Georgekaigh:

In ESB and ROTJ, Obi-Wan Kenobi’s ghost will be completely nude. When Darth Vader killed him in ANH, his body disappeared, but his robe and lightsaber remained aboard the Death Star.

kalyarn:

In a scene added to ROTJ, after he’s let Luke into Jabba’s palace and been punished, we see Bib Fortuna cradling his the shattered remains of his framed GED.
—
After seeing bits of the prequels last night, I have a real one that I think would make things much better: To explain why all the most powerful Jedi in existence couldn’t pick up on the evilest Sith Lord in their midst, the Palpatine we see turns out to actually be a clone with zero Force power/abilities. The real Palpatine (who already looks ancient and deformed without needing Windu’s help) has been behind the scenes for a long time preparing things, sending in new, completely loyal clones of his to play both sides. And then he doesn’t reveal himself until Windu tries to arrest his clone, and then he comes in the backdoor and slices up the Jedi masters, so they don’t quite look like such punks.

But then, that would make too much sense.

Dr. Abraxas:

Jango Fett’s severed head passes out
—
at the end of ROTJ Luke makes it rain on Tatooine

Steve Johnson:

When Darth Vader/Bobba Fett says “As you wish,” there will be a voiceover by Peter Falk explaining that Vader/The Emperor “was amazed to discover that when he was saying ‘As you wish’, what he meant was, ‘I love you.'”

Adam Tupper:

Darth Vader’s mask now cries tears.

wmcgee:

CHANGES FOR EPISODE 1
The sentence “The taxation of trade routes to outlying star systems is in dispute” from the opening crawl is now the more accurate “The levies on commerical routes to outlying star systems has now entered litigation.”
—
Every cut is now an optical wipe. Long takes are broken up into jump cuts–which also feature the optical wipe.
—
Qui-Gon’s line “We need parts for J-Type 327 Nubian” is now the more progressive “We need parts for the J-Type 327 Diverse-identified.”
—
The pod race in Episode 1 now features an asthmatic nine-year-old Ginny Grievous; the churlish toddler Adam Motti; the patient Kindergartner Muffy Tarkin; the roguish tyke L’il Jaxxon; the solid tween Porkins; and a beta version of IG-88.
—
CHANGES FOR EPISODE 4–A NEW HOPE
When Leia tells Tarkin, “I recognized your foul stench when I was brought onboard,” wavy green CGI stink lines are added above the Moff’s head. During this scene, CGI Jawas ride through the room on a CGI ronto, but the funk overwhelms the ronto so much it rears up on its hind legs, and the Jawas scream and swing from the reins comically.
—
After Han says, “You’ve never heard of the Millenium Falcon? . . . It’s the ship that made the Kessel Run in less than twelve parsecs,” he immediately adds–accompanied by a illustrative Power Point presentation-“Of course, a parsec is a unit of distance, not time, so I refer not to the Falcon’s speed but to the shorter route I was able to travel by skirting the nearby Maw black hole cluster, thus making the run in under the standard distance. You see, by moving closer to the black holes, I managed to cut the distance down to about 11.5 parsecs–which is, obviously, less than the aforementioned twelve.”
—
Every cut is now an optical wipe, and optical wipes are even added in the middle of shots, creating the revolutionary jump cut-optical wipe hybrid. For example, the destruction of Alderaan is shown in seventen successive cuts of the planet exploding (some from different angles), each one an optical wipe to the next shot.

The HMs continue on the next page. Stay on target.

—-

Quasimofo:

1) When Luke fires the shot that destroys the Death Star they dub in Jake Lloyd yelling “Wheeee!”
—
2) Following a cross-over marketing deal the Death Star will be digitally painted to look like a pokeball.
—
3) Tired of his famous line being a meme, Lucas will re-dub Admiral Ackbar’s line to be “Uh oh Spaghettios! HAHA!!” and it will be spoken by Paul Reubens.
—
4) The jawas will have mouths digitally added under their cloaks so they don’t appear so creepy to little kids.
—
5) All that useless, empty sky on Tatooine will be digitally filled with randomly flying droids and aliens. And since that monochromatic sand is boring, it will be colored happy rainbow patterns.
—
6) The scene in Jedi where the one ewok dies will be wordlessly removed.
—
7) CGI will be used to change Han Solo’s expression while frozen in carbonite to something happier and more cheerful.
—
11) The imperial flagship Executor is now known as The Good Ship NOOOOOOOOOO!
—
12) The opening credits now scrawl across George Lucas’s bare ass because fuck you fans that’s why.

Zortt1:

ROTJ: One droids in Jabba’s droid dungeon is the original TR Mascot (the C-3PO looking one with tape on the nips) hanging on the wall and enjoying the torture. This is as a thank you to Rob for all the hard work promoting the blue ray release of the Star Wars Saga.

The Amazing Rando:

During the celebration on Endor, Lando Calrissian calls his parents, revealing he really isn’t the only black man in the universe.

Pnutmaster:

In the spirit of selling the new mini FX Replica Lightsabers, whenever a lightsaber can be ignited, it will be ignited. e.g.,
? When Luke finds Leia in her cell, his lightsaber ignites.
? When Luke and co. fall into the trash compactor, his lightsaber ignites.
? When Luke is startled by Yoda, his lightsaber ignites.
? When Luke levitates C-3PO, his lightsaber ignites for additional dramatic effect.
? When Luke and Vader duel on the Death Star, their lightsabers remain ignited the entire time.
? (Exceptions): When Luke is on Hoth, his lightsaber ignites at only half its full length.

Gene Hoyle:

When Darth Vader meets any character for the first time he asks “Are you an Angel?”
—
To sell more expanded universe books, Dash Rendar will be inserted next to Luke and leia in the closing scene of Empire Strikes back.
SaveALemming:
Giving into the complaints about Hayden Christensen’s acting chops, Lucas begrudgingly replaces every Anakin moment in II and III with grown-up Jake Lloyd.
—
In Empire, after Lando makes the evacuation announcement, he no longer just runs past the fellow in the orange jumpsuit carrying an ice cream maker, but now says to him, “Good work, Willrow! Now make sure to dump that REBEL computer core so the EMPIRE doesn’t know you’re actually a REBEL SPY and not just some kindly ice cream man!”

Louieatrest:

Harrison Ford now has a voice-over narration, to help the audience understand some of the confusing parts.
—
“When Luke went to the machine sellers and asked for a droid, he wanted a machine, a robot, and droids are just like any other tool, machine or robot.There are not good droids or or evil droids, only droids, which are tools, just like any other machine or robot. I would only learn later, when I meet Luke in a bar, that he treated these droid machine robots like people, but there were not people, they were droids, even though some of them talked like people, they were in fact machines. One of the robots Luke is about to buy, does not speak like a person, because he is in fact a robot-like machine called a droid. Luke will talk to him like he is a person, but he is not, he is a tool, on a mission.”
—
“In history books, Greedo was the kind of gangster who used to call replicants, SKINJOBS. Normally I would have shot him right away, but this time I decided to wait for the right moment.”

SpiderHyphenMan:

The scene at the beginning of ROTJ where Vader discusses the Death Star construction with the officer is now overdubbed with new dialogue wherein the officer (voiced by George Lucas) informs Darth Vader (voiced by George Lucas talking into an official Darth Vader Voice Changer? that Luke Skywalker has been located on Tatooine. Vader loudly refuses to go after him, shouting “I HATE SAND! WAIT UNTIL HE LEAVES!”

Mr. Jareth:

Thinking the Taun Taun scene too gruesome for modern viewers, George digitally inserts a fanny pack which Han opens with the lightsaber and puts Luke into. Also replaced is the line “I thought they smelled bad on the outside” with “I don’t know how we’d get through this if it weren’t for this roomy fanny pack.”

Captain Pasty:

Leia’s dialogue about how she remembers her mother being beautiful but sad is replaced with”gee Luke, all I remember is a whole lotta blood and a placenta stained mattress.”

Meltok_the_Mindtaker:

Instead of Luke kissing Leia to spite Han, Luke kisses Han to spite Leia.
—
They change Obi-Wan’s weird howl AGAIN, but this time he says: “Motherfuckin’ kids! Get the fuck out of my yard!”
—
In the new, specialer version, Darth Vader doesn’t even pick the Emperor up and throw him in the hole. Instead, we a see a tight shot of a tear trickling down his mask, he screams “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!” and the Emperor dies from pure disgust. Then Darth Vader turns into a cute little bunny that Luke adopts.

Bradley Hall:

Lucas FINALLY films a scene with blue ghost Qui-Gon Jinn for Episode III, thus completing the subplot that makes the whole series make a small amount of sense. I mean, he died in Episode I, then in Episode II he is heard yelling, “Anakin, no!” just before or after he kills sand people. All through the prequels they were gearing up for Jinn to show up as a blue ghost and tell Yoda all he needed to know to turn blue himself and then relay that to Kenobi. Instead we get an “oh, by the way, Qui-Gonn totally told me stuff while you were running around, it wasn’t important enough to show on screen though.”

I know the story goes that Neeson had broken his leg and couldn’t film the scene, right? But in the years since the film’s first release is it still broken? NO it is not. Also, who cares that his leg was broken, didn’t Ricardo Montalbon film one of those Spy Kids films even though he couldn’t walk? And didn’t they show him walking around due to some CG hooey baloo? So… why couldn’t they just film Neeson sitting in a chair or even standing on one leg or holding onto some kind of support or something?

I mean, isn’t Lucasfilm one of the leaders in digital electronic filmagraphic diddly making? The fact that that scene STILL doesn’t exist means Lucas hates his films making sense, and given all the flack he’s gotten from changing shiz around, I agree.
—
In ROTJ, someone actually SAYS the word “Ewok.”

Kaoy:

In the next round of releases, it will be discovered that the planet Yoda hermits himself on is, in fact, the E.T. home world. In each scene, several E.T.s can be seen silently observing Luke. And when Yoda lies on his death bed, ‘the’ E.T. comes to his side and uses his powers to make him all better. Yoda will then tell Luke that long ago, he crash landed on this very planet and was trained by them in the ways of the true mastery of the force.

Boredlizzie:

In this Special Edition, Tommy Wiseau replaces Harrison Ford as Han Solo. Behold how the dialogue is dramatically enhanced with Wiseau-speak:
? I did not hit Leia, it’s not true! It’s bullshit! I did not hit her! I did NOT. Oh hai, Luke.
? Don’t blast me mother fucker.
? Get in there, you big furry oaf! I don’t care what you smell! Hai doggy!
? Great, kid. Don’t get cocky.
? Ha ha ha. What a story, Luke.
? Yes, Greedo. I was just going to see your boss. Tell Jabba I’ve got his money. By the way how’s your sex life?
? Look, I had everything under control until you led us down here! Everybody betrayed me! I fed up with this world!
? YOU ARE TEARING ME APAAAAAHT LEIA!

Jonathan Quennell:

Oh my God, the HORRORS you could unleash by tying the prequels in more…But at this point it would be like date raping a corpse… Random quotes, “improvements” in ANGRY CAPS
—
A New Hope —-During the Death Star Attack in ANH, Vader exclaims “Now THIS is Pod Racing”- I’ve been waiting for you, Obi-Wan. We meet again, at last. The circle is now complete. When I left you, I was but A JEDI KNIGHT AND FULL MEMBER OF THE COUNCIL; now *I* am WEAK IN THE FORCE DUE TO MY LACK OF LIVING MATTER AND THEREFORE MIDECHLORIANS- General Kenobi. Years ago you served AS A JEDI IN THE Clone Wars WHILE MY FATHER BITCHED IN THE SENATE AND HUNG OUT WITH YODA. Now he begs you to help him in his struggle against the Empire. – The Force is what gives a Jedi his power. It’s a PARASITIC ALIEN THAT LIVES IN YOUR BLOOD STREAM- Hokey religions and ancient weapons FROM TWENTY YEARS AGO THAT MANY PEOPLE ARE STILL INCREDIBLY AWARE OF DUE TO FACT THAT MY CO PILOT HAS WITNESSED THE POWER OF A JEDI MASTER FIRST HAND are no match for a good blaster at your side, kid.
—
The Imperial Senate will no longer be of any concern to us. I have just received word from Coruscant that the Emperor dissolved the council permanently TWENTY YEARS AGO WHEN.
—
We seem to be made BY DARTH VADER to suffer. It’s our lot in life.
—
A young Jedi named Darth Vader, who was a pupil of mine until he BECAME A FULLY FLEDGED JEDI KNIGHT IN HIS OWN RIGHT turned to evil, helped the Empire KILL A BUNCH OF POLITIC FIGURES AND KIDS WHILE THE CLONES huntED down and destroyED the Jedi knights. He betrayed and murdered your father. Now the Jedi are all but extinct. Vader was seduced by YOUR MOM

J M:

Obi Wan’s lines regarding Anakin will be edited thus:
? “He was a good friend, and the best star pilot in the galaxy” will be changed to: “He was an arrogant D bag, and he crashed 90 percent of the time I flew with him”
? “I took it upon myself to train him as a Jedi. I thought that I could instruct him just as well as Yoda. I was wrong.” will be changed to: “Qui Gonn made me train him. I really wanted nothing to do with the little shit, and neither did Yoda”
? “He didn’t hold with your father’s ideals. He thought he should have stayed here and not gotten involved.” will be changed to: “Your uncle had two lines of dialogue with your father, who was already very much involved in the clone wars”
? “He feared you might follow old Obi Wan on some damn fool idealistic crusade like your father did.” will be changed to: “He literally had no opinion at all as to where your father should have gone when your father followed Padme on a damn fool idealistic crusade to save my ass.”
? “If you end your training now. If you choose the quick and easy path, as Vader did, you will become an agent of evil.” will be changed to: “If you end your training now, if you choose to be a dipshit and kill some kids cuz the emperor tells you to…”
? Rather than answering Luke’s question with “No. No. No. Quicker. Easier. More seductive.”, Yoda will reply “Depend that does on whether you count the time My ass, handed to me by the Emperor was.”
—
Boba Fett jumps the Sarlaac. On a speeder bike.

Alex Gregory:

At the end of ROTJ, when the spirits finally arrive, it’s the young versions of Anakin and Obi-Wan, as well as CGI Yoda. Instead of smiling, Luke just looks at the ghosts without any emotion or reaction.

Jim Gordon:

We meet Yodas wife. Then we find out thats why he made up the rule that Jedis cant have wives.

Red Tape:

Yoda is replaced with CG and his dialogue is redone in ESB. Instead of giving the mystical force explanation, he instead explains that the force is created by midichlorians. He explains that midichlorian level is easy to test with a handheld device and it directly affects a person’s ability to use the force. Yoda also is no longer critical of Luke for not being able to lift his x-wing out of the swamp. He explains that Luke is at a disadvantage because he has less midichlorians.

Nostromo’s Second Android:

Nien Nunb’s face is pixelized.
—
Instead of using blasters, Han and Greedo have an intense photo shoot.

Georgekaigh:

Back in 1997, Lucas removed all English lettering from the Death Star’s tractor beam controls. With the English alphabet abolished in the Star Wars universe, he will realize the droids’ designations make no sense; henceforth, Artoo-Deetoo will be called Rek2-Floof2 and See-ThreePeio will be known as Vork-3Gipsnartch.

Steel:

Everyone on Alderaan survives by climbing into their fridges.

Philister:

When Leia kisses Luke in ESB, they both get a funny look on their face and the following dialogue is inserted:
Leia: You know, that felt really strange.
Luke: Yeah, like we went against all laws of Men and God.
Leia: So, let’s not do this again.

Mattgomery Scott:

In ANH, Obi-Wan’s line is now “Only Storm Troopers could be this inaccurate” and the camera pans back to show a desolate post apocalyptic wasteland, with dozens of crashed TIE-Fighters, a fallen AT-AT, and the Sand People partying.
—
The Shistavanen Wolfman is added back into the Cantina scene, because he’s AWESOME! (Seriously, he was an Imperial agent, then a member of Rebel Intelligence and then went on to be an X-Wing pilot at the Battle of Endor. While looking like a werewolf!)

I-am-me:

Wampa Kills Luke
Wampa Learns the force
Wampa saves the universe

Matt S.:

It is discussed in a side conversation why Palpatine wasted millions of man hours as well as trillions in money and resources on orchestrating the Clone Wars in a bid for power instead of paying a few thousand scientists to come up with the midochlorian equivalent of antibiotics
—
Prince Xizor is awkwardly CGIed into the background of the Emporer’s visage in Empire Strikes Back, a la’ the Outrider in Mos Eisley.
—
Luke, Lando and Chewie making fun of Leia constantly about almost contracting Iguana Herpes, Han Looking confused.

Captain Pasty:

In ANH, an end of credits bonus scene shows Darth Vaders’ out-of-control TIE fighter crash landing on Tatooine. He crawls out of the burning wreckage and says “Nnnnoooooooo!!! I don’t like sand!”

Daniel:

Instead of saying “The Son of Skywalker still lives” to Vader midway through, the Emperor says “Your son still lives”, thus revealing casually that Darth Vader is Luke Skywalker’s father about an hour early.
—
While Luke is unconscious, we see a random shot of R2-D2, and an Alec Guiness impersonator says “Let’s pretend not to know each other, it’s easier”, thus explaining why Obi-Wan doesn’t recognize the robot he spent like ten years with over the course of the prequels.
—
For reasons known only to George Lucas, a rock on Tatooine was replaced with a CGI rock.

Mildmannerednerd:

Jabba the Hut is now 100x bigger to go with his new big door

bATZARRO:

“No disintegrations” will become “NoooOOOoooOOoo!.. disintegrations.”
—
The scene where Obi Wan recalls fondly about Anakin Skywalker, is stopped midway to show him murdering younglings and Sandpeople, choking his own wife, and yelling that he hates Anakin while he burns. Then it goes back to “And he was a good friend”.

Eddie B/Venom:

the cgi yoda will be replaced with a puppet, but with a cgi frank oz controlling it.
—
jabba now produces “slurm” when he laughs
—
family guy’s “it’s a trap” is completely redone and it is actually funny

Luminaro:

In an unexpected turn of events, George attempts to create continuity between the prequels and the originals! ie:
? Obi Wan – “Now that you mention it, I do seem to remember having an R2 unit around.”
? Obi Wan – “The force is within us. No, literally in our blood stream there’s some midichlorian bullsh*t going on.”
? Obi Wan – “Anakin was a fairly good starfighter pilot I suppose. Nothing special.”
? Uncle Owen – “You there, what makes you think you’re qualified for this job?”
C3P0 – “Well, I spent most of your fuc*ing teenage and young adult life with you, on this very plantation, doing the exact thing you are hiring for right now.”
? Luke – “R2!!”
{R2 lifts himself out of the Dagobah muck with his rocket boosters)
? Leia – “No, I never knew my mother either” I was told she died just as I was born.”
? Obi Wan Voice Over – “Was I any different when Qui Gon trained me?”
Yoda – “Yes, far more reasonable were you.”
? Obi Wan – “Darth Vader hunted down and killed all the jedi. Well, they were mostly just children in training. Actually, a group of clones killed most of the jedi.”

Wyngarde:

In “Return of the Jedi”, at the end in that quick shot where Luke is pulling Vader to the shuttle, and Imperial officers are running around in panic, the Ice Cream Guy from “Empire” will be inserted, running by again.
—
Lando’s mustache will digitally be removed, to show that he’s not evil and can be trusted.

John:

When Yoda closes his eyes in Return of the Jedi, instead of slowly fading away he just starts snoring.

Hollowedout:

This is from a direct quote from my five year old daughter, Hollowedout Jr. (we were watching some of the movies this weekend showing on SpikeTV) “They all poo-poo and pee-pee in thier pants!” She of course laughed her ass off after saying this… but then I thought… fuck it, George would probably do that for his kid if they asked. Didn’t he pull Jar Jar from his ass after such a request?

Eric Stettmeier:

A New Hope:
Luke produces two ropes from his belt, swings each and attaches them via two separate grapples.
Leia shakes Luke’s hand.
Leia: “For luck!”
Luke wipes hand on pants to remove ‘cooties’ , then swings across chasm. Leia swings after him.
—
Empire Strikes Back:
Leia to Han: “Well, I guess you don’t know everything about women yet.”
Leia shakes Luke’s hand.Luke wipes hand on pants to remove ‘cooties.’
—
Return of the Jedi:
Leia: “Over there, there’s two more of them!”
Luke: “I see them, wait Leia!”
Scout Troopers (2) speed off into forest. Leia leaps onto a third, modified, two seat (side by side) speeder bike and begins pursuit. Luke leaps into second seat.
Luke: “Jam there comlinks – get beside them!”
Luke leaps from double-seated speeder bike to the back of trooper’s bike, accidentally brushing his hand against Leia as he does so. Upon seating himself, Luke wipes hand on pants to remove ‘cooties.’

Kevin Hellions:

The Rancor pit now includes a glory hole.

The winners are on the next page. STAY ON TARGET

—-

And now for the winners (someone cue the 20th Century Fox theme)! First up, we have the winner of the simutaneous quality and quantity award:

Someguy:

In ANH Luke will rush home to find with a cleaver self narration that his Aunt and Uncle were actually scared away from their farm with fake skeletons and live on another planet now.
—
ANH as Alderaan is targeted Tarkin says, “It’s too bad Alderaan has been abandoned and it is just a monument now but this will show other planets that we could kill if we wanted to”
—
ROTJ Luke is pulling Darth Vader to the shuttle, Vader asked Luke to take his mask off. Then revels he’s not the real Anakin Skywalker he is a clone the Emperor made years ago because the real Anakin refused to join him. So the Emperor kidnapped Padme and Anakin, cloned them both, implanted the babies in the Padme Clone (that’s why she just dies for no real reason) and then the Emperor hooked up the real Anakin and Padme to a life support / coma inducing machine and had their bodies hidden in the giant Statue of Palpatine. That is why the people are knocking down the statue to rescue them. They are found in good health and the Skywalker family lives as one big happy family.
—
At the end of ROTJ when the ghosts are watching Luke, A Mace Windu ghost appears behind Anakin and beats the crap out of him for cutting his hand off and getting him thrown out a window.
—
The Bartender Shoots Greedo !
—
If you watch ROTJ in less then an hour Vaders whole suit is taken off to his zero suit. (don’t ask what happens if you finish in less then a half hour!!!)
—
In ESB when Lando greets them the first time he tries to slip a note into Hans vest but it falls and C3PO finds it but is then shot losing the note and showing Lando was always trying to warn them.
—
ROTJ The Sarlacc pit is revealed to be bulimic so everyone will be OK.
—
End of ROTJ It will be revealed that C3PO actually doesn’t speak any other language besides English and he has just been making things up.
—
ANH When Han chases the stormtroopers to the hanger, now there is 200 stormtroopers, 5 tie fighters, 4 AT-AT, 3 troopers on speederbikes, 2 Samurai and one rabid raccoon.
—
ANH Porkins is hit. Biggs tells him to eject. Porkins Ejects into space his Space Suit keeps him alive, falls to surface of Death Star, still dies when Death Star explodes. Thanks Biggs!
—
ROTJ As Luke is being shot by force lightning, Darth screams NOOO and tries to pick up the Emperor. The Emperor, hearing the NOOOOO now has warning to move out of the way. A fierce hand to hand combat begins. Meanwhile a very old Watto on Tatooine, with senility setting in, sits in his place looking for the remote control for his TV. Finds transmitter looking device and clicks it. Back on Death Star Darth Vader explodes killing the emperor as well because no one bothered to take the transmitter/Bomb that was mention for the reason why slaves couldn’t escape in episode 1. This reveals Lucas’s new philosophy that anyone can be a hero.
—
Yoda: Told you I did. Reckless is he. Now things are worse.
Obi-Wan: That boy is our last hope.
Yoda: No there is another
Obi-Wan: You mean Leah? She is trapped with Darth Vader. In fact you said that Luke should sacrifice her life to honor what she stood for.
Yoda: Bitch of a son!

Honestly, Someguy would have won for that final Yoda/Ghosy Obi-Wan conversation alone, because I never realized before reading it that Yoda was basically telling Luke to let Leia die and then telling Obi-Wan that Leia was their second hope. That’s crazy. Well, at least Yoda being a terrible teacher is consistent through all six films now, I guess.

JeffJefftyJeff:

There’s now a scene where Luke and Obi-Wan run into the Tatooine Best Buy and pick up an Official Jedi Training KitTM, which includes an Official Jedi Training Helmet and Blaster Ball, in order to bring the original film in line with the prequels where that’s apparently how all young jedi train with their lightsabers and not something that Obi-Wan macguyvered up on the fly like it appears to be. (That one’s not really funny, but that scene from AOTC always pissed me off.)
—
LUKE: I thought you said Yoda trained you.
OBI-WAN: Well, I was trained by Qui-Gon Jinn, who was trained by Count Dooku, who was trained by Yoda. So what I told you was true, from a certain point of view.
LUKE: …from a stupid point of view.

I genuinely, totally laughed out loud when I read JeffJefftyJeff’s second entry. Sadly, I would actually approve this line getting inserted into the Special Editions.

Intothenight:

All Jedi are trained to avoid the dangers of the Dark Side with this helpful adage: “Fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate, hate… leads to a reduced midi-chlorian count.”
—
As the Emperor attacks Luke with Force Lightning, Vader lets fly a tortured “NOOOOOO!” Not wishing to hurt his friend of many years, the Emperor stops his assault and apologizes profusely. Touched by this exchange, Luke joins the Dark Side, which it turns out was just misunderstood this whole time.
—
Characters glow a bright orange whenever they have a bad feeling about this.
—
Artoo speaks. Threepio beeps. The other characters’ reactions to the droids are unchanged.
—
“Oh, thank the Maker! This oil bath is going to feel so good.” Meanwhile, orbiting the planet, Darth Vader chuckles softly. “You’re welcome, my old friend. You’re welcome.”
—
After hacking into the Death Star main computer, Artoo sets the self-destruct countdown and locks out the controls. Luke just happened to fire on it with unusually good timing, because he used the Force. The targeting computer would have told him not to bother.
—
At the end of the climactic duel in Revenge of the Sith, Obi-Wan has the
high ground. Specifically, he is on top of a mountain and has to
communicate by hologram. By the time Anakin finishes climbing, he is so
exhausted his limbs fall off. Obi-Wan shakes his head sadly. “I can’t
explain it. His limbs lost the will to stay attached.”
—
Lucas addresses a gaping plot hole in Revenge of the Sith and Return of
the Jedi. As the newborn Leia is presented to Padme, she picks up her
daughter, holds her up, then shakes her violently for several minutes
while screaming “REMEMBER ME! I’M BEAUTIFUL AND SAD! REMEMBER ME!” When
Leia recalls her memories of her mother, she shudders violently for some
reason…
—
After destroying Jabba’s sail barge, Luke swings by Toshe Station to pick up some power converters.

Intothenight’s first few entries are quite good, but the last three? Brilliant. Absolutely brilliant. Again, I laughed out loud. But the winner for the scariest fucking entry in the entire contest?

Tredlow:

Leia: I love you.
Han: I love you too.

FUCK YOU TREDLOW. DON’T YOU BRING YOUR EVIL HERE. It’s so plausible — Lucas always hated that line, even after audiences clearly loved it — it’s one of those things that makes sense only to him and no one else in the world. Seriously, give him a few more years to get more senile/evil, and I’m genuinely scared this change will be made.

And that, my friends, is that. Congrats to all the winners, and thanks to all kajillion of you who entered. Make sure to come by next week, when I have a contest that hopefully won’t take me 24 solid hours to judge and post.