The New Silent Hill Movie Will Be Terrifyingly Confusing


First of all: There’s going to be another Silent Hill movie? When did this happen? Did we know this? Whatever. Anyways, Silent Hill: Revelation 3-D is coming out in October. It’s starring Sean Bean, who was in the first SH movie as Christopher deSilva. Except that in Revelation, Bean isn’t playing deSilva, but is instead playing Harry Mason, original protagonist of the first game, who enters Silent Hill with his daughter Heather. Just like deSilva’s wife did with their daughter in the first movie.


Sean Bean is going to be in a second Silent Hill movie playing a completely different character? That’s ridiculous. But I’m pretty sure I know how this happened.

Hollywood Executive #1: Hey, I just got this casting sheet for our new Silent Hill movie.
Hollywood Executive #2: Okay. And?
Hollywood Executive #1: Well, it says we’ve cast Sean Bean in the lead.
Hollywood Executive #2: That’s right.
Hollywood Executive #1: …
Hollywood Executive #2: (tries to make a sandcastle out of the massive pile of cocaine in front of him)
Hollywood Executive #1: Bean was the male lead in the first movie. And this is a completely different character.
Hollywood Executive #2: So? Game of Thrones is hot. Sean Bean is hot.
Hollywood Executive #1: But won’t audiences be confused at why Sean Bean is back playing a totally new character for no reason whatsoever?
Hollywood Executive #2: No, because audiences are idiots.
Hollywood Executive #1: But–
Hollywood Executive #2: But what? The movie’s in 3-D. Obviously, there’s no sense of artistic integrity leading the project here. We’re just crapping out another shitty horror flick. We’ll make another one in a couple of years. And maybe we’ll cast Sean Bean again, just to be assholes.
Hollywood Executive #1: Enh, you’re right. Who gives a shit.
Hollywood Executive #2: Not I, my friend, not I. Cocaine time?
Hollywood Executive #1: Yes, please! (both do 48 grams of cocaine).
Hollywood Executive #2: …
Hollywood Executive #1: I still feel empty inside.
Hollywood Executive #2: That never goes away.