OH INDEED. Yes, everyone’s favorite feline is back, ready to dispense justice — but this time it’s not to the English, but on their behalf! Weird, right? After a week-long break and the nightmare of “The Fievel Story,” I figure we all earned this.
A tale of inspiration
Authors Note: I saw A King’s Speech and it is very inspiring to me! I hope this story inspires you as well!
It does, ShakespeareHemmingway. It does.
King George VI was practicing his speech for people of England. War was coming with battle intentions and English people needed the inspiration.
“I am king but I cannot speak.” Said King George VI with worry.
“Do not be worrying I will help you talk the words of truth.” Said Lionel Logue with linguistics.
Lionel Logue then began teaching English to King George VI but it was no use, words were sealed in his mouth like air in a paper bag.
So all anyone had to do was pop George’s head?
“WHY IS THIS NOT WORKING?” Cried out King George VI in anguish.
“This is no good I must call Winston Churchill he will know what to do.” Said Queen Helena Bonham Carter with urgency.
Queen Helena Bonham Carter than went to the royal phone and called Winston Churchill with worry news.
Directed by Tim Burton. Johnny Depp plays Garfield, of course.
“Winston Churchill it is awful, speech training is not working what will we do?” Queen Helena Bonham Carter said with panic.
“Drastic times call for drastic measurements. This job is for a real man.” Winston Churchill said as he pulled out a secret compartment revealing orange button with marking of lasagna in clenched fist.
OH MY GOD. I was expecting an orange button with black stripes, but THIS IS SO MUCH BETTER. SOMEONE, PLEASE DRAW ME THIS
“Mistress Britain needs the hero.” Said Winston Churchill as he pressed the orange button with patriotism in his heart.
Meanwhile in throne room Lionel Logue kept teaching King George VI how to speak in vain. He taught with patience but no learning has been done.
“It is hopeless!” Said King George VI with exasperation.
All of a sudden there was huge boom heard and all looked to the wall. There was hole that was CAT shaped but could only be made by MAN. Out of it they saw mystery figure full of muscle and manhood. Thunder crashed with lightning and rockin heavy metal music with awesome riffs played as the figure entered room with style.
“Who is that?” Cried out King George VI with shock.
“Garfield?” Cried out Lionel Logue with panic.
Sweat ran down Lionel Logue’s face and eyes nearly popped out of the head at sight of the might that he witnessed. Garfield walked toward Lionel Logue with feet fueled with courage and grabbed him by collar and head butted him sending him to the ground.
In The King’s Speech, the linguist Lionel Logue is played by Geoffrey Rush. I point this out because imagining Garfield savagely beating Geoffrey Rush turns out to be one of life’s purest delights.
“What?” Shouted King George VI with worry.
“BEHOLD! The truth of lies!” Declared Garfield as he put his foot on Lionel Logue’s neck and tore Lionel Logue’s suit off revealing Nazi uniform!
“What can this be!” Said King George VI with disbelief.
“So Garfield you have figured me out. It is true. I am Nazi spy.” Said Lionel Logue with revelation.
It goes without saying this is all 100% historically accurate, right?
“He was going to make you read THIS.” Garfield said as he took paper out of Lionel Logue’s pocket with speech full of evil Nazi propaganda.
“Travesties!” Cried out King George VI as he fell on his knees crying.
“Fools you may have unraveled my disguise but there is no hope. Nazi evil will rule this world.” Taunted Lionel Logue with evil.
“You have a fresh mouth. But I prefer my Nazis WELL DONE.” Said Garfield slyly as he took out his handgun lighter and threw it at Lionel Logue burning him to crisp.
Nazis are extremely flammable. Please keep your Nazis away from light bulbs, ovens, and other warm areas. Or don’t. Fucking Nazis.
“Feel the burn.” Quipped Garfield as he took out expensive Cuban cigar and lit it on burning Nazi corpse.
Lasagna-flavored, I’m sure.
“Thank you Garfield for unveiling truth of evil. But who will teach me secret of speech?” Asked King George VI with concern.
“You must teach him Garfield you are only hope of Britain!” Asked Queen Helena Bonham Carter with begging.
“Very well I will teach you how to be man. But you must pay me the price of royal supply of lasagna.” Garfield demanded with justice.
You laugh, but an annual lasagna tithe is hardly the weirdest tradition in England.
“But we need lasagna to buy guns for war.” Protested King George VI with kingship.
“The only guns you will be needing is THESE.” Garfield said as he pointed to his massive arms.
“Very well then, you will have price of Royal Lasagna.” Said King George VI with finger snapping as servants came out with golden plate filled with lasagna.
“This will do for now. Come we must train you for the strength of speaking. Only then will words of truth leave your mouth.” Garfield said with wisdom as he brought King George VI to training room.
“Now say words of justice!” Garfield commanded of King George VI.
King George VI tried to say words of justice but only nonsense of fools came out.
“NO.” Garfield yelled as he slapped King George VI across the face with mighty hand.
“I am sorry Garfield I am useless. I wish I was one fourth the man you are.” King George VI said with crying regret.
“Enough of the tears you crying boy. Time to train your mouth muscles.” Said Garfield with encouragement to King George VI.
So… in three Garfield epics, Garfield has killed two princes and is now belittling a king. How do you feel about this, English people? I’m genuinely curious.
“Pull this with your mouth.” Said Garfield as he pointed to wagon full of hundred pound weights.
“It is too heavy I am not strong enough.” Said King George VI with complaints.
“INSOLENCE. DO AS I SAY.” Roared Garfield with commands.
Anyone else kind of disappointed that Garfield doesn’t have a Hyperbolic Time Chamber like in Dragonball Z? One that’s orange with black stripes and full of lasagna on the inside?
King George VI took wagon by the mouth and pulled with all his might. As he pulled, Garfield hopped on wagon and whipped him for encouragement. After much pulling King George VI collapsed with exhaustion.
“I can pull no more.” King George VI said with lazy words.
“Fine you pathetic man. Time for your next training. You must catch this bullet with your mouth.” Garfield said while loading his Desert Eagle with bullet of education.
Without intending any mockery whatsoever, “Bullet of Education” may be the greatest fucking band name ever.
“I can not do this thing. I am but a weakling.” Said King George VI with despair.
“But you must. Practice makes perfect. Now try for Great Britain.” Said Garfield as he pointed his Desert Eagle at King George VI.
Garfield shot bullet with accuracy of comet and speed of galloping turkey being chased on Thanksgiving Day.
King George VI could not catch bullet…
…and died instantly.
…and was hurt a bit.
“Garfield my mouth is with pain.” Whined King George VI with complaining.
“No pain no gain. Now be trying again.” Garfield commanded aiming gun again.
Garfield fired again with his teaching ways and King George VI got closer to catching bullet.
“Good you are improvement. Now it is time for nutrition.” Garfield said bringing out tray of lasagna.
“Garfield I do not like lasagna. I prefer clams.” Said King George VI with refusals.
OH NO HE DINNIT
Garfield stared at monarch with burning eyes at the idiot words which crawled in his ears.
“Are you king or little baby princess? Eat the food that will give you strength of virile stallion.” Garfield commanded shoving lasagna in King George VI’s mouth.
“Garfield you are right. This Lasagna is delicious. Thank you.” King George VI thanked with gratitude.
As King George VI ate the lasagna his body became full nutrition and strength and he became ready for more training.
“I am ready train me more.” Said King George VI with determination.
“That is being more like it. Time to crush the ends of your limits.” Garfield said with coaching.
“Time to Crush the Ends of Your Limits” Garfield Motivational Poster > “I Hate Mondays” Garfield Motivational Poster
Garfield trained King George VI for hours and days smashing his mental and physical boundaries with his iron fists. As they trained for the speeches of inspiration Queen Helena Bonham Carter looked on with wanting at Garfield. During break when Garfield was enjoying some nutritious lasagna full of raw power, Queen Helena Bonham Carter approached him with desire. As Queen Helena Bonham Carter spoke, Spanish guitar played and waves crashing on the shore was heard in distance to set mood on romance.
Ah yes, the beautiful beaches of… Westminster.
“Garfield I have watched you for some time now and can no longer hold the feeling inside me.” Queen Helena Bonham Carter whispered with lust.
“Your lips move but I can read the words in your eyes. They tell me what a woman wants that only I can give.” Said Garfield with seduction.
“Garfield I crave your manly loving. King George VI can not satisfy me. Outside he may be king but in the bedroom he is peasant.” Sighed Queen Helena Bonham Carter with sultry voice.
“Fear no longer my royal rose. I will tend your gardens with rake of pleasure.” Garfield assured her with romance.
“You taught my husband how to be real man, now you must teach me how to be real woman.” Said Queen Helena Bonham Carter.
I hope this is Fight Club Helena Bonham Carter and not Sweeney Todd Helena Bonham Carter.
“No more play time pussycat. It is time to unleash the orange anaconda!” Garfield roared as he unlocked his pants.
“My husband may have trouble with words but I am expert with my mouth.” Said Queen Helena Bonham Carter with wink.
“Very good because I am going train your mouth for maximum pleasure.” Garfield said as he embraced Queen Helena Bonham Carter for love making.
“I want to polish your royal scepter with my tongue.” Said Queen Helena Bonham Carter with flirting.
“Okay, now you’re trying too hard.” Said Garfield with mild disapproval.
Queen Helena Bonham Carter began to give Garfield maximal oral loving for she was eager beaver to make her macho man happy.
“Enough appetizers time for main course.” Said Garfield as he embraced Queen Helena Bonham Carter for loving makings.
Garfield and Queen Helena Bonham Carter embraced eachother and crashed their bodies like meteor collision. They wrapped around eachother like slimy eels and became one in heat of moments.
Meanwhile in Nazi Germany, Hitler was plotting schemes of evil.
BEST. TRANSITION. EVER.
“Hitler it is awful our planfull schemes have failed. Garfield is training King George VI and soon he will speak the words of inspiration and we will be destined to lose.” Cried out the Nazi thug with pathetic crying.
I find it vaguely amusing that both this story and the actual King’s Speech movie seem to think that King George’s speech was the most decisive element in the West defeating the Nazis, and not, say, the soldiers, or Churchill, or anything else. Nope, just George VI talking on the radio. That’s all the Allies ever needed! Who knew!
“No worries my evil minion. I have backup plan that is the sure bet. With it King George VI will fail his speaking and Nazi horror will rule this world.” Said Hitler with horrible evil.
“But what of Garfield?” Questioned the Nazi thug with worrying.
“Not even Garfield might can stop the plans. Soon all will fall to us.” Said Hitler with confident wickedness.
Meanwhile in Buckingham palace after nights of vigorous love makings Garfield and Queen Helena Bonham Carter were holding eachother with romance on sands of the beach, watching waves come in.
“Garfield you made me feel things I could not feel. You taught my husband to speak but you taught me to scream.” Queen Helena Bonham Carter said with gratitude.
“It was pleasure. You are my teachers pet.” Said Garfield as he held Queen Helena Bonham Carter firmly in arms.
Soon King George VI came to the beach to inform Garfield of information.
“Garfield it is almost time for the big speech. I am worried I am not ready.” King George VI said with self questioning.
“Remember the teachings of wisdom I have taught you and victory will be rewarded.” Garfield lectured with profoundness.
“You are greatest mind of the age.” King George VI said with admiration of Garfield.
Winston Churchill then walked in for the alerts.
“It is time. You must go the make the speeches.” Said Winston Churchill with seriousness.
“Very well I remember the teachings of Garfield and go.” Said King George VI with courage.
I’d like to think that Jon Arbuckle is rocking the Pacific Theater with his blistering guitar solos while all this is going on.
King George VI went to front of Buckingham Palace for speech of inspiration. Garfield and Queen Helena Bonham Carter sat behind him for support. Before making speech of majesty King George VI put on crown of royalty.
“Greetings England people. Prepare for my words which are exploding with truth.” Said King George VI as he began to give speeches of virtue.
All was going well with speeches when suddenly mysterious sound came from King George VI’s crown and antenna came out of it. King George VI’s eyes became spiraled with hypnosis and he began saying words of Nazi evil.
Again, totally accurate. I can’t stress this enough. Kids, if you’re reading this, use it in your book reports, seriously.
“What is this?” Cried out Queen Helena Bonham Carter with shock.
Garfield looked at the King George VI’s crown and knew what the score was.
GARFIELD 1, NAZIS 0
“I will be taking care of this.” Said Garfield as he took King George VI’s crown and tossed it into air.
“This crown is crushed.” Quipped Garfield as he took out his Desert Eagle and shot crown into pieces.
How manly is Garfield? He quips lines that aren’t even quips, that’s how fucking manly he is.
With crown crushing complete King George VI was returned to normal mind.
“Thank you Garfield I have normal mind now.” King George VI spoke with thanking.
“Curse you Garfield you have foiled plans!” Shouted voice from the crowd with anger.
It was Neville Chamberlain! Neville Chamberlain tore off his face to reveal he was really Nazi in disguise.
This explains a great deal, actually.
“Time for escalator escape!” Shouted out doppelganger Neville Chamberlain as he escaped up Escalator to Nazi Zeppelin.
“You may have foiled our plots for speech but victory will be ours! Taste explosion!” Shouted Nazi Doppelganger Neville Chamberlain as he dropped bomb from Zeppelin.
Nazi bomb came hurdling to Buckingham Palace where all were sitting in horror but Garfield was not flinching. As bomb came down Garfield caught it in his hand with mighty grip and stared down Nazi Zeppelin with eyes of exploding fury.
“BOMB VOYAGE.” Roared Garfield as he tossed the bomb at Nazi Zeppelin with throwing of home run pitcher making it explode into Nazi Zeppelin.
Nazi Doppelganger Neville Chamberlain then crawled out of wreckage for desperate escaping but saw Garfield standing over him.
“Nazi racism will rule this word! I am spitting on you!” Spat Nazi Doppelganger Neville Chamberlain with contempt.
“You are clearly having brain problem. Let me fix this.” Garfield quipped as he took out his Desert Eagle and blew off Nazi scums head off.
“YOU DON’T GET IT, BOY. THIS ISN’T A ROYAL SPEECH. IT’S AN OPERATING TABLE. AND I’M THE SURGEON.”
“Garfield you have done it! You have halted Nazi scheme and words have inspiration have reached mother Britain.” Cried out Queen Helena Bonham Carter as she ran to Garfield embracing him.
“No problem my sexy sovereign. It is time we celebrate the way man and woman are made to.” Garfield said with wink.
“Good job Garfield. I am grateful for you forever.” Said King George VI with thanking
“Please, enjoy my wife. Since you didn’t originally deflower her, back when we first got married as was your right via prima nocta, this is totally a freebie.”
“Yes but there is still work to be done. War has just begun. But as long as I am breathing breath eating lasagna and loving ladies, I will be here killing Nazis.” Garfield declared with declaration.
“Garfield you are true hero. I am going to give you proper rewards and knight you in the bedroom.” Said Queen Bonham Carter with love pumping in her heart and breasts as she lead Garfield to royal bedroom.
“Very well chicky. But when we are in bedroom you will be bowing to me.” Said Garfield with sexiness as he went to bedroom with Queen Helena Bonham Carter.
Hours later in Nazi Germany Hitler was taking an evil Nazi nap having dreams of Nazi conquest when suddenly his dreams were being interrupted. In his dreams Garfield appeared and began mowing down Nazis with brutal justice tearing them to pieces with his might.
“NOOOO.” Cried out Hitler as he woke with cold sweat and tears.
Out of corner of his eyes he saw things of peculiarity. It was Nazi corpses impaled on wall! Hitler approached with fears and dreads and trembled like little girl. On impaled corpses was a note written in the blood of dead Nazis.
“I AM COMING FOR YOU NEXT. Sincerely, Garfield.” Read the letter with promises.
Hitler quivered with trembling and cried eyes out at the horror for he knew his time was ending near by Garfield’s hands of manly power.
GOD I HOPE NOT
Authors note: I hope I inspired you to destroy the boundaries of your limitations.
I don’t know that it inspired me to personally destroy my own boundaries of my imagination, but it certainly destroyed the boundaries of my imagination anyways. Enjoy this FFF while you can, kids — next one is gonna hurt.
Robert Bricken is one of the original co-founders of the site formerly known as Topless Robot, and its first editor-in-chief, serving from 2008-12. He brought the site to prominence with “nerd news, humor and self-loathing” as its motto, raising it from total internet obscurity to a readership in the millions, with help from his savage “FAQ” movie reviews and Fan Fiction Fridays. Under his tenure Topless Robot was covered by Gawker, Wired, Defamer, New York magazine, ABC News, and others, and his articles have been praised by Roger Ebert, Avengers actor Clark Gregg, comedian and The Daily Show correspondent John Hodgman, the stars of Mystery Science Theater 3000 and Rifftrax, and others. He is currently the managing editor of io9.com. Despite decades as both an amateur and professional nerd, he continues to be completely unprepared for either the zombie apocalypse or the robot uprising.