The Most Inappropriate Nerd Reference You Ever Made: And the Winners Are…

By Chris Cummins May 29, 2012 Miscellaneous, Nerdery 0 Comment

First off, a huge thanks to everyone who entered this week’s contest and shared their stories of inappropriateness.You guys really went all out, and I can honestly say that this was the most enjoyable TR contest that I’ve had the privilege of judging to date. The entries varied from outrageous to offensive, but they were mostly incredibly entertaining…and suitably inappropriate. (It was also a bit unusual of a contest for me, for reasons that will become clear once you learn the winners).

Before we get to the victors a quick word. Because so many of you violated the length rule, I decided to be lenient and consider these wordy entries anyway. Again, the overall entertaining nature of your submissions helped me overcome any word count issues. So I made an exception…this time.

Finally, thanks again to everyone who entered. And remember, if you didn’t win you’ll have another chance to earn a TR shirt at the end of this week. Honorable mentions and winners are after the jump!

Honorable Mentions:

Zac Fu:

In 2007 I was hospitalized for pancreatitis. It is a severely painful
and in some cases fatal ailment, and its treatment is to suspend all
food and drink and apply liberal amounts of pain medications. Surrounded
by friends, one said very simply and very sincerely, “Please, don’t
die.” to which I replied, “Do not grieve, soon I shall be one with the
Matrix. <insert friends=”” here=”” name=””>, it is to you old
friend that I shall pass the Autobot matrix of leadership as it was
passed to me. One day an Autobot shall rise from our ranks to light our
darkest hour..” and fell out in an opiate induced haze.

Adam Tupper:

Upon finding out that my girlfriend’s co-worker, who is legally blind,
got a promotion, I exclaimed “Hurray for blindy!” which is what Bender
once said in reference to a sight-deprived Leela on Futurama. Although I
got a hearty punch from the girlfriend, she laughed her ass off.

Ken:

As a teacher, I frequently try to force choke my unruly students. It hasn’t worked yet. But one day… One day…

The Midnight Stroker:

During my senior year of high school, I got a very nasty case of stomach
flu. I had a fever of 106, my mom stayed home from work to make sure I
wasn’t going to die. She had just given me a bowl of tomato soup when I
became violently ill and left a trail of pink sick from my bed to my
bathroom. After several minutes of my stomach convulsing repeatedly
producing a horrid mess, I heard my mom ask if I was OK through the
door. I don’t know why but all I could say was, “I… am… Tetsuo.”

Matt Wells:

Wore my Topless Robot shirt… at my cousin’s wedding. My mother made me
go home and change, and one elderly relative muttered it meant I was
some kind of internet porno aficionado.

Christopherglaw:

At my uncle’s funeral, whom I knew well, I put my hand on the coffin in
the shape of a Vulcan salute, and said “you have, and always will be, my
friend.”

Usually Lurking:

Whenever
I visit my wife’s grave while it is raining, I always find myself
thinking of Calculon’s line from the Futurama episode “Bend Her” – “The skies themselves weep upon the sweetest flower of all the field.”

HeckfireOG:

My music history teacher was talking about Annette Funicello’s
popularity in the old Mickey Mouse Club. They all wore their first names
on their t-shirts, BTW:

Teacher: “…there was simply something about her that fans really
latched onto. Maybe it was her smile, her innocent, happy demeanor…”

Me: “…the way the “A” and the “E” curved about the edges…”

Despite the hatred I got beamed into my skull from the classmates
that day, the teacher actually recognized that I was quoting an old
“Bloom County” comic strip.

Brando Lars:

Nothing I’ve compares to some of the posts I read but here goes nothing
My
wife is a teacher and asked me to drop off some papers at her school.
after delivering them to the class I turned to her students and said
“study hard Kiddies otherwise” and in my best booming Gandalf ” YOU
SHALL NOT PASS!” Unfortunately my wife was teaching grade 1 at the
time , jaws dropped and 2 little girls started to whimper as if they
were going to start crying. I made a quick exit. My wife, needless to say hasn’t asked me to drop off anymore papers since then.

tanaquil:

I went shoe shopping with the cool girls at work. Cool Girl #1 holds
up a pair of shoes and says “what do you think?” Cool Girl #2:
“they’re okay.”

Me (in my best Dr. Frankenfurter drawl): “Oh, I think we can do better than okay.”

Couldn’t stop myself. The only saving grace is that neither of them got the reference.

Chyron HR:

I
am a 34-year-old man, and I once sent an e-mail to the employees I
manage at my accounting firm signed, “Your faithful student, Twilight
Sparkle”.

I don’t expect to win anything, I just figured this was as good a a place to confess as any.

Vatea42:

I made a mistake at work recently and was having what I should have done
explained to me. I apologized. The person talking to me said “well
now you know”. Before I could stop myself I shouted “And knowing is
half the battle.”

Kasey Bell:

I had a friend who had a big crush on a guy, but he didn’t really give
her the time of day. She asked me what was wrong, and all I could say
was “He doesn’t like you. I don’t like you either.”

SaintKrispy:

My dad got remarried a couple months ago. He saw fit to make me the best
man, putting me in charge of the ring and what not. When the pastor
asked for the ring, I pulled it out and quoted Boromir, saying “It is a
strange fate that we should suffer so much fear and doubt over so small a
thing. Such a little thing.” Also, I was wearing my TR shirt from the
Calling Characters contest, which everyone could see through my white
dress shirt.

quincy:

When my mom died, we had her remains cremated. As we put them into the
resting place in the Columbarium, I said “Luminous beings are we, not
this crude matter.”

The Droids You’re Looking For:

After our son was born and the nurses gave us some quiet time alone with
the baby, I held him in my arms and said, “Anotha visi-taaaah. Stay a
while… staaaaaaay forevahhhh!!” from the classic C64 game Impossible
Mission. It probably would have been more awkward if I did it while
others were in the room, but my wife was still like, “WTF I just pushed
out a baby.”

Justin Finkbeiner:

Me
and a friend back in high school were the two biggest Star Wars fans,
this was around the late 90’s. Well after high school, we lost touch as
most people do, so it was nice to see him at our 10yr Reunion.

Until I met his wife and said “You came in that thing? You’re braver than I thought.”

krytensgal:

I’m a pathologist. The hospital not only has our typically socially
awkward department right next to pediatric radiology for some reason,
but installs wavy hand things on all the doors. The latter provides me
endless entertainment, right until I waved and said “these aren’t the
droids you’re looking for” to open the door only to realize one of rads’
patient’s families was standing behind me. Had my white coat on and
everything. I’m assuming they found a different hospital.

T.J. Williams:

While sitting in the back garden at my Mum’s house (shortly after having
been blown away by our first watching of the awesome “Pulp Fiction”) my
Mum came to the back door to tell my girlfriend and I that my Dad’s
Uncle Ted had died. While we didn’t really know him very well it was a
fairly sad, if bitter-sweet moment, as his wife had been dealing with
his severe dementia for a few years. I looked into my girlfriend’s eyes
about to say something profound about the end of his suffering –
oblivion being preferable to pain and confusion – and she looked at me
as though about to say something similar. I urged her to speak first.
She paused and uttered “Ted’s dead, baby … Ted’s dead” before dashing
for the bathroom to hide her giggling fit.

Vingeartoast:

I was giving a toast at my best friend’s wedding and I ended it with
“and if you guys ever have kids, and one of them, when he’s 9 years old, accidentally sets fire to the living room rug… Go easy on him.” The
room was silent and awkward… So of course I had to add, “guess you
guys arent ready for that yet, but your kids are gonna love it!” It only
added to the confusion.

Joshua Paul:

At my grandmother’s wake last year i slipped a black lantern ring on her
finger and said “Roberta Thill of earth RISE!” my family actually
laughed and she was buried with it on. She would have laughed too.

PWR House:

My wife and I were just starting to date and she gave me a heart shaped
necklace that when put together read “I love you”. She placed my piece
in my hand and while holding hers placed the two pieces together to show
the complete necklace. She stares into my eyes, waiting for me to say
something romantic to enhance this special moment. Without thinking or
knowing why, all I could say was “Wonder Twin powers activate”. To this
day it is still one of our special moments.

Sounds Just Fascinating:

While having a conversation about where you put condoms after having
sex, one of my friends told me that they go on the wall ledge next to
the bed. Me: “There’s white walkers on the wall!!”

Garlock:

I work for a company on the verge of bankruptcy and have had to do
interviews for various replacements. Every time I do one I just want to
say “What’s your name?” [They reply] “Nice to meet you [name]. Run for
your life.” I tend to say it after their training instead, so I don’t
get in trouble.

Roland:

At a family event, everyone’s there, both sides of the family never met
either of them since I was young. Meet my aunt, a… very large woman
who was 5’0, 46 years old and.. under the erroneous impression she was a
sexy thing, tight pants and all. I meet her and without thinking I say
‘Allo Beastie’ In proper Sparrow form.. It was not good. Didn’t get
invited back.

Michael Weyer:

Watching
TV with co-workers the day the Iraq war started in 2003, I began
reciting Theoden’s speech from “The Two Towers.” “Where is the horse and
the rider? Where is the horn that was blowing?”

Radix82:

Two years ago my wife and I went back to Wyoming for my uncles funeral.
As my aunt’s closest relative we got to ride in the limo with her. My
aunt was understandably very stressed. While in the back of the limo,
for the millionth time she asked “Do we have everything?” To which I
responded “We should never leave home without a towel.”

AlgusUnderdunk:

Okay, I only really have one entry for this, but it’s the reason I’m not welcomed at church anymore.

“And the Lord shall sort them into their houses-“

“GRYFFINDOR!!!”

Ben Cohen:

I made dinner for my family one night. Some item or other wasn’t what
my brother had been anticipating, and he complained about it. My
response was “I have altered the meal. Pray I do not alter it any
further.”

brother prefidious:

A co-worker told us all she was pregnant and expecting twins. She’d been
trying to conceive with her husband for a few years, and this was her
miracle. After about 3 and a half months, she had a miscarriage At Work
where she lost one of the twins. I commented “Two babies enter. One baby
leaves.” Oh yeah, I was fired for that.

Winners:

skrag2112:

When I was in the Gulf War, my platoon had come across a destroyed Iraqi
vehicle. As everyone was looking around at all the debris, I picked up a
small piece of metal and said to my sergeant “Look sir. Droids.” He
gave me a disgusted look and shook his head in disapproval.

VindicaSean:

I once told a girl who wasn’t sure if she was miscarrying that she was
carrying Schroedinger’s Baby. I…immediately regretted that decision,
though for some reason she remains in touch with me.

So there you have it, your honorable mentions and winners. This contest was a bit unusual for me to judge because the winners I chose here were amongst the first entries received. Now before you call shenanigans let me say that as I monitored the rest of the submissions over the weekend it became clear that the winners I chose were, in my opinion, the best entries overall in terms of inappropriateness and nerdiness. (As you can tell from the HMs, a lot came close though).For those of you who might be displeased with the results, you can take some solace in the fact that Rob will once again be handling the contest this week. Thanks again folks!

About The Author

Chris Cummins is a pop culture writer and Archie comics historian who has contributed to The Robot's Voice, Den of Geek US, Philebrity, Geekadelphia, Uproxx, and Unicorn Booty. He is the co-producer and co-host of Nerd Nite Philadelphia, and is regularly involved in producing and hosting New York Super Week events. In 2014, Chris began Sci-Fi Explosion, a mix of live performance, trivia and funny clips celebrating the weirdest in science fiction that regularly travels around the United States. He wrote the introductions to the compilations Archie's Favorite Comics From The Vault and (with Paul Castiglia) Archie's Favorite High School Stories. You can find Chris on Twitter at @bionicbigfoot and @scifiexplosion.

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