Hello, bosses! I hope you’ve enjoyed your six-martini liquid lunch, and are prepared to check out the winners of last weekend’s TR contest. One thing I’ve learned is that Topless Robot readers are generally awesome, and if we were in charge of everything, the world would be a significantly better place. I charge you, my readers, with folowing these dreams and making them a reality in order to share your brilliance with the rest of the world, whether they like it or not. I’d help, but I have a stupid nerd blog to run.
Speaking of, the honorable mentions and winners are after the jump. Since virtually all the ideas people had were good, I chose to limit the HMs to more unique, more thought-out, or just weirder entries. Also, I had to cut out any entry that was too long, which is why Mythbri’s amazing anti-Michael Bay business plan
isn’t here, but you should totally read it if you have the chance. And last but not least, the ridiculous image I chose to somehow vaguely illustrate “boss-dom” is from Jay Pinkerton’s collection of amazing, highly profane rewritten Spider-Man cartoons
, which I cannot recommend enough if you somehow haven’t seen them.
The Honorable Mentions are the middle management of the Topless Robot contest world.
Pokemon: I would create a giant MMORPG, where you could travel every land in the pokemon world, face every gym leader and your starter would depend on what town you randomly started your adventure in. Not only would this make Nintendo and myself an ungodly amount of money, it would have the side benefit of destroying productivity worldwide.
Mine is pretty easy: I want to be in charge of Megaman.
As much as I would want the obvious ones like Megaman Universe and Megaman Legends 3 to be back on I also want some offshoots that don’t entirely suck.
What I want is a Megaman Zero collection on XBLA, PS3, WiiU and 3DS (Vita can have a version too if it lives long enough) that’s been given the hi-def upgrade. Oh and fuck turning it into a 3D game on the 3DS, that bullshit gives me a headache. Then once people realize that MMZ was one of the best damn games the GBA had we get some real sequels with art direction by the people behind Odin Sphere
Next I want a full 3D exploration platformer with plenty of gunning mechanics that keeps the old school difficulty in a challenge mode while still having a decent challenge in the story mode with gameplay that basically does Assassins creed style parkour mixed with gunplay and I want to make it a prequel starring ProtoMan.
Finally I want a new series showing the events between the ending of Megaman X and the beginning of Megaman Zero.
Oh and I’ll also personally purchase every copy of Megaman Battlenet and Starforce and bury them in an unmarked grave in Arizona somewhere, E.T. style.
Like Paula, I’d take charge of Square Enix. First things first I’d kick Final Fantasy Versus 13 and Kingdom Hearts 3 to the top of production. I’d turn Final Fantasy 11 and 14 into a free-to-play and buy-to-play title respectively, with a vanity-focused item shop while also dropping the “charge per character” restriction for both.
After that, I’d then see what I could do about getting Hironobu Sakaguchi and Nobuo Ueamatsu back, promising full creative control of their titles while also giving them the kind of financial backing available to Square Enix.
Also, it’s about damn time the Playstation 3 got an entry in the “Musashi” games. PS1 had Brave Fencer Musashi, PS2 had Musashi: Samurai Legends, but where’s the PS3 love?!
Buckaroo Banzai. I’d reunite the entire cast of the original, save for those who died/blown up, etc. and I’d actually make a damned sequel. I would commission an animated series that would combine Jem, GI Joe, Bionic Six and Ghost in the Shell (for the science/tech side of things). The series would follow the Blue Blazers stopping the World Crime League at every turn, and of course include ads for the reasonably priced but well-constructed toy line. The watermelon would be a first-wave figure. We’d also finally get a Jeff Goldblum figure that fucking looked like Jeff Goldblum (looking at you, Jurassic Park line).
I would be in charge of Bacon-ing. I would approve and reject all bacon related projects. Thus I could reject Bacon pants due to wear, tear, and chance of wild dog attacks but allow Bacon flavored edible underwear as it would only be worn for a little while.
I’d take on BioWare.
First, push for a “Mass Effect 4” that undoes that damn finale with Shepherd’s crew trying to rescue him from the dream world he’s stuck in while the Reapers try to indocrinate him, then give us a real ending of them saving the galaxy.
Second, Dragon Age III, keep to the lush world, back to multiple origins, keep real-time fighting but actual characters you can care about, while trying to do something new with the fantasy genre.
Third, push for Jade Empire 2. The first game was a true underrated gem, get a sequel with better action and characters that explores more of the Empire like the often mentioned industrial sections and add in some “Assassian’s Creed” type battle techniques.
Fourth, get some goodwill back with PC users with another “Neverwinter Nights.” Take a cue from “The Witcher” on how to make a more adult RPG fantasy epic work and allow players multiple stories based on various character, not just same tale all the way through.
Fifth, FINALLY get KOTOR III up. Yes, “Old Republic” is great but long past time to bring the saga to a close by revealing just what Revan was up to, the secret threat coming from the Outer Rim and a massive finale where Jedi and Sith have to unite together to save the galaxy, characters from the first two games coming together and a stand-alone HK-47 DLC mission.
Last but not least, remind this company that the customer comes first, stop assuming we’ll just eat up anything BioWare does with a spoon, really push the boundaries of an RPG and don’t make the mistake of promises you just can’t live up to and then defending it with “oh, but what we REALLY meant was…” lines.
I WOULD like to be in charge at Lucasfilm, but I wouldn’t try to destroy the Prequels, or ret con anything. My plan would be twofold:
First, create a new trilogy of movies based on the Timothy Zahn trilogy. This would involve re-casting some inconic characters…I would refuse for there to be completely CGI characters, or even head replaced characters. I would direct ILM to focus on honing tried and true practical effects with light digital enhancements. No more CGI starships, back to lots of model making and miniatures. I’m more worried about the characters and story than having a crappy CGI Luke face plastered on somebody else.
Second, I would look at doing an original trilogy set in the past, ala Knights of the Old Republic, just minus all of the retarded shit in the games. No more fucking Tatooine or Hoth. All original characters and planets. It’s a galaxy of options, so the imagination is the limit.
Oh yeah, there is a third. I would ignore the Willow books, and create a sequel with Warwick Davis, because that little dude is funny as hell in Life’s Too Short. Willow was fun in parts, with the right scripts there could be some fun sequels.
I want to be in charge of a comic book convention type thing called – ToploRoboCon and it would be just a convention for us miserable bastards to get together and rant and rave about the goings on in nerd culture. Rob would be the guest of honor of course and we’d have Slave Leia contests and embarrassing story telling contests (all for TR shirts) and contests to show who the biggest nerds are at the con and Nerdy Burlesque and Donald Faison would be there for some reason (he’d probably be the only celebrity I could get to show up) and we’d all get drunk have a big orgy at the end.
And everyone’s topless, unless they won a t-shirt somehow during the weekend.
And everyone would look at the hell that came across the earth and ask “Whose Responsible This?” and I will quietly respond..”Me. I responsible this.”
I want to be the person to update the movie, “Runaway.” (the one with Tom Selleck). I would want to update it for the times but not in movie form but in video game form. New telling, same concept. You are part of a police task force. High tech killer. You are called out on tasks; some normal calls; some connected to main case. Investigation and decisions will take you different paths, as well as how you handle the threat. If you just go in and destroy anything not working right will lose evidence and affect your characters job (or if he keeps it). A combination of puzzle, mystery, and action game.
President of Cartoon Network. I’m a failed novelist and an aspiring comic creator and delusional enough to think I can make a living at any one of a hundred other super nerdy things but if I’m honest with myself: animation. I can shepherd pet projects, giving Doc Hammer and Jackson Publick and Pendleton Ward just huge heaps of money to keep things in production. I’d reach out to the people CN helped make big and try to bring them back full time to the fold. I’d kill Boomerang and spin off Adult Swim into its own channel, merging the best of Boomerang back in with the fold on a rotating basis. I’d contract more anime shows not ghettoized to specific, narrow programming blocks but all over. The only live action show we’d have on the primary network would be an hour long Wonderful World of Disney style thing on Saturday nights that takes a behind the scenes approach to animation, really working to make the writers and producers and voice actors and Andrea Romano and directors and designers and animators celebrities at least AS well known as Ben goddamned 10.
And if you think I wouldn’t develop a vanity project or two along the way, and voice more where possible, you’re crazy.
I’d get my Genndy Tartakovsky Space Ghost show, that half hour Super Best Friends Forever, a fucking Masters of the Universe cartoon, Count Duckula and Danger Mouse, and I’d do everything in my power to resecure full broadcast rights to the DCU Animated Universe and go after some other comics properties while I was at it. Invincible, to start, and maybe Bone. And not just comics because I would damn well have a Portal and Psychonauts movie in development day damn one.
And I’d bring back Freakazoid!
And the first day I took office there would be a wall of text broadcast that just says “DONNA- JAN AND JACE WERE SPACEGHOSTS SIDEKICKS, NOT THE WONDER TWINS. THAT WAS ZAN AND JAYNA. YOU CHUMP.”
I don’t want much. All I want is to be given complete control over DC and Marvel, hell, all comic book companies really, and then I would make them exclusively publish comics where WHAT HAPPENS ON THE COVER ACTUALLY HAPPENS IN THE FUCKING COMIC! Is this so much to ask?
I would be in charge of Bandai-Namco Japan. First order of business: completely revamp our North American and European business model, as well as our licensing fees. Make the multitude of videogames, anime and toys our conglomerate puts out both available and affordable for the western otaku market. If there is a demand, no matter how small, we will do our best to meet it.
Why would I do this? Because there are nerdy wants Bamco could fulfil, but in its current incarnation is either unable or unwilling to. There IS an untapped market out there for cheap and affordable Soul of Chogokin toys, for 70’s TV anime on DVD, and for English editions of Super Robot Wars and a wealth of other items. And Bandai’s insanely outdated business model is it’s own wost enemy (making their US branch pay THEM money to license Gundam for a start).
There’s so much cool Japanese nerdy stuff out there I’m simply unable to experience due to a lack of funds and an inability to speak the damn language. And if Bandai-Namco just took a few brave steps they could go sooo much further into unburdening my wallet. Nerds will give you their money if you just make it easy enough for them to do so, Japan. You’d be surprised at how much money there is to be made if you take away the reasons most otaku resort to piracy: YOU HAVEN’T LICENSED THE DAMN THING!!!
(Ooh, plus I’d license Turn A Gundam. Because a man can take only so much cockteasing before he will accept no more.)
I’m taking over Syfy- or, as it will be known after my first official act, “The Sci-Fi Channel.” Next up, time to clean house on all the ridiculous Reality TV*- say goodbye to all the Ghost Hunting, Car Building, UFO-Busting BS. Oh, and so long wrestling!
In their place will be a slate of compelling new scripted series based on actual science fiction/fantasy concepts. For starters, let’s get that Battlestar prequel series actually produced and on the air. The Saturday cheesy movies can stay (gotta pay the bills after all), however they will be followed by special midnight rebroadcasts riffed on by the returning cast of Mystery Science Theater 3000.
Also, Eureka is officially un-cancelled.
*Hollywood Treasure can stay- same with Face Off.
Big Jim Slade:
I would be the boss of The Nielsen Company. I would then do proper research before deciding which houses would be “Nielsen Houses.” I would insist that shows be based on their viewership of their desired audience. No more senior citizens deciding the fate of Community or Arrested Development. No more new retirees keeping Big Bang Theory on the air. But yes, I would let them determine the success of shows like NCIS: Los Angeles as I don’t know many people in my age demographic that watch that show. This would let the fans keep their shows on the air. Avengers: Earth’s Mightiest Heroes would still be going. Firefly would have lasted more than a handful of episodes.
Maybe most importantly, this would keep the writers writing good material for their shows. If they were constantly worrying about pleasing their desired audience and not “roping in” as many new viewers as possible, they’d have to keep their shows at a consistently high quality. No more Heroes going on for 4 seasons. We’d probably know the identity of the mother in How I Met Your Mother by now.
I think that this more focused statistic gathering would allow for a much higher caliber of tv to be on the air. The fans would be happy. TV networks would have higher viewership and thus make more money. DVD sales would also be higher. It’s a win-win all the way down the line
Oh, now this is easy. I want to be in charge of Sony Pictures Entertainment. First order of business? Firing every one of those bastards, even down to the tea lady. Second order of business? Rehiring the hell out of Dan Harmon. Third order of business? Six seasons and a motherfucking movie, bitches.
Actually, screw it, let’s make the movie a Spider-Man/Community crossover before I return the rights to Marvel and fly off into the sunset. DONALD GLOVER FOR SPIDER-MAN 2012.
Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy, and all related sequels, movie rights, etc. I would have Eoin Coifer’s effort banned from being considered part of the canon. Then I would hire a team to create the Hitchhiker’s movie that fans actually wanted. Everybody that worked for me would have to wear shirts that say “Don’t Panic”, and they would, of course, need to know where their towels were at all times, or risk being fired.
I would invest a large portion of our budget into cloning Douglas Adams so that he could write more books.
I want the Hunger Games so I can cast every role in the rest of the movies with multiracial, transgender people with 12 toes JUST to tick off the people who wrote those horrible racist tweets regarding Rue’s casting.
Ooh, tough. While I’d love to take over Hasbro/Takara, I choose Nintendo.
1. The Wii U is okay, but effective immediately, motion controls are optional for all games. Standard twin stick/button controls must be implemented for all games. If the motion/touchscreen stuff is good, gamers will choose it.
2. Blue shells are configurable. You can turn them off completely.
3. All dialogue and cut scenes will be made skippable. Anyone who gives Zelda an annoying sidekick or ever bombards the player with messages to save, change batteries, not turn off their console, or take a break will be publicly humiliated.
4. Starting with NES/SNES/N64, all previous generation games will be available on the eShop in HD for reasonable rates. Yes, I know Virtual Console exists now. I would change it from being the sad joke it is now.
5. Whoever wrote and filmed that Wii U commercial will be sent to Sony and set on fire.
I would be boss of Paramount, but my plan is to pull a huge ‘Springtime For Hitler’. My associate Leopold Bloom and myself would make the worst nerd movie of all time. I’m talking something so horrendous that it would make Michael Bay scream until his head detonated. Something like Bayformers meets Garbage Pail Kids as seen through a Francis Coleman filter. Have a 9 year old boy with behavioral problems write the screenplay then translate it into Japanese, then Italian, then, Esperanto, then back into English, then transcribe it using a rat with inky feet. Sink $900 million into it, but use only $10,000 and a 4 day filming schedule. Post production FX will be done on a Commodore 64 and sound will done on an Edison Cylinder. Pocket the rest and escape to Rio De Janero while Paramount tumbles into chaos.
Oh, and to make sure it will fail, Pauly Shore will be cast in the lead.
I would take over the LEGO licensing department. They know what they are doing with their in house products, but don’t have a clue with their licenses sometimes.
more modular sets (you’ll see that idea a lot) in the batman sets. Like a Wayne Manor that sits perfectly on top of the Batcave set. Several separate sets that make up one awesome Arkum. And for the love of Alfred, a GCPD building with a Commissioner Gordon & Batgirl minifigure (finally).
Star Wars, and the Super Hero line would have battle packs, but they would have 3 army builder figures, and one random figure. So for example, 3 hellfire agents, and one random X-men. 3 GCPD/SWAT and and 2nd tier batman hero, like Bullock or Montoya. 3 clones and a random Jedi Master. 3 stormtroopers and . . you get the idea
Star Wars modular sets and scenes. Pick a standard base size & height, and the go crazy. Each scene in the Death Star could be it’s own $20-30 set, and they would fit together anyway you want. This way you get every scene you want, no one has to buy the ones they don’t, and the opportunity for many exclusive minifigures! Wuher in a Cantina sets that looks great next to the homestead with Beru & Owen, which fits perfect with Old Ben’s house.
Now that they are buddy-buddy with Disney, it’s time to start re-creating the Disney Theme Parks with 1-2 UCS sets a year. A LEGO Space Mountain! A LEGO Cinderella’s Castle!
Even minifigure scale Disneyland stuff would be great! A Disneyland Railroad set, a Disneyland Emporium that fits with cafe corner.
Then for the films, I would do a few sets a year, but not stick to one film, or one genre, or one time period. Just crank out sets at different price levels for all the films. A Lion King Pride Rock set ($100), A National Treasure set ($80), a Tron Light Cycle set ($50), a Gepetto’s Workshop set ($20), and and Old Yeller Finale scene set ($6.99) would all come out at the same time.
I would give Tetris fatalities.
1) Become head of DC’s movie division.
2) Sell the Justice League movie rights to Marvel.
Greg Easton Photo:
I’d run NASA. What’s nerdier than NASA? Nothin, that’s what. I’d make the Director Neil Degrasse Tyson and I’d let him pick his staff. Burt Rutan would be in charge of R&D. And we’d generate income by launching people’s ashes into the sun as well as from an orbiting Disneyworld that you get to by our awesome space elevator. And also we mine asteroids! Then we use all this money to colonize the Moon and Mars without any taxpayer funds.
The time: May 4th, 2012.
The place: Outside the local cinema.
The business: A shawarma stand.
The profit: All of it.
I’d be in charge of the talent agency that Nathan Fillion’s agent works for. I wouldn’t make any changes, except for one: all of Nathan Fillion’s work contracts would include a stipulation requiring him to come over to my house every Friday night and play XBox with me.
Uh. I would be in charge of DC Comics.
As head of either Marvel or DC I make it an official rule that the next guy that either writes or retcons rape into any female character’s backstory must spend 30 minutes handcuffed and blindfolded in a room with Dr. Abraxas.
I’d start my own Federal agency: The Artistic Legacy Defense and Oversight Commission (ALDOC)
The purpose of this organization will be to protect great works of fiction from being maligned, mangled, tarnished, or exploited after their creators have either died, or been deemed by the Commission no longer competent to make decisions that are in the best interest of their artistic legacies (AKA: The “Lucas Clause”)
ALDOC’s authority would include, but not be limited to: Sequels, Prequels, Film and Television Adaptations, Merchandising, and use in Commercial Advertisements.
Living, sane artists will still be free to do as they wish with their creations, but the Commission reserves the right to audit any creator who produces, or allows the production of material based on their works that fails to meet a minimum standard of quality.
Ownership of the copyright to a particular piece of fiction would no longer be sufficient to continue spewing out material based on it: Even children, family members, or designated successors of a deceased artist would be subject to ALDOC regulations (First order of business: An immediate “Cease And Desist” order will be sent to Brian Herbert and Kevin J. Anderson. Should they fail to comply, ALDOC agents have the authority to enforce cooperation by any means necessary)
Now, while I will be Commissioner, I’m certainly not qualified to make all these decisions alone: Thus I will be aided by an international think-tank of Geeks, Nerds, and diehard fans representing all genres of fiction and every medium of entertainment and art.
The days of franchises being milked dry, and dead creators suffering artistic exploitation at the hands of greedy copyright holders are at an end!
A New Nerd Order is rising! Support ALDOC!
Planters, the snack food company, just so I can demand they make Cheez Balls again. My D&D sessions have never recovered from their loss.
WOTC. JUST for D&D (Dungeons and Dragons). No more stupid shit… no beard quills or upper level items that give +1 and clerics are useless again and theres infinite ways to be insanely powerful at level 1, and fuck this WoW shit. I don’t want a skills bar in my D&D game. There WILL be dire badgers.
I know it says one, but as a freebie, I’m throwing in Palladium JUST so they put in indexes! 100-300 page books filled with tecnicall crap everywhere… and NO INDEXES?
I would take over G.I. Joe and enforce a dress code.
Not that I’ve fantasized about this or anything, but here’s my shot:
First off, I would tell the current showrunners to carry on, steadfast and true. Second, I would take the production crew of the Sarah Jane Adventures (Liz Sladen, we miss you so) and immediately have them begin work on the next mega-huge spin-off: The Noble Chronicles. Because what they did to her is UNACCEPTABLE (Donna Noble, my life is sadder when you’re not around). Then, I would hire Pixar to begin work on a NEW series of 90-minute films starring the old doctors, with living Doctors voicing themselves and voice actors standing in for the dear departed (Hartnell, the Brig…Doctor Who why must your pleasure come with so much pain?!?). Then, I would build an Uncle Scrooge style money pit and begin crank calling J.J. Abrams (“What’s it like being limited by such SMALL continuities? HAHAHA!”). Okay, I’m beginning to become mad with power… so I cast myself as the lead role of my next mega-hit “The Travels of the Master”.
So there you go, geekdom. You can clean your brains off the ceiling now.
The Memo …………………written by Gene Hoyle after having taken over Marvel Comics.
TO-Everyone who wants a job here
RE-This garbage that we have been calling comic books.
Having read Avengers Vs X-men up to date, I have decided that reading it is like dating a broken pencil. Pointless and with no climax. We are cancelling it as of now. Nobody will know the difference as they do not understand it anyway.
All lines (Avengers, X-men etc..) will be limited to two books maximum. The second book must be distinctly different than the first but tie in close enough to make sense.
The Spider man line will continue to be written by Dan Slott, forever. Dan will also be given “God Status.” He can write any book he wishes at any time. This also applies to Ed Brubaker.
The former holder of “God Status”, Brian Michael Bendis, will not be allowed to be within 1000 feet of a Marvel Comic. Nuff said.
The price of all normal sized Marvel books will be 2.99. The 5 most popular books will remain 3.99, but contain 8 page back up stories with smaller characters. 2.99 versions without the back ups will be available.
the Marvel digital vault will be completed by 2014. In it will be scans of every back issue of every Marvel Comic.For a fee of 19.99, you will have access to the vault for a month. In that month you get to read as many books as you can.
One last thing. We will get the rights to ROM back, no matter the cost.
One note before I get to the winners; since pretty much everyone had good ideas — since we’re all geniuses and everything — picking the empircally best entries was ridiculously difficult. I picked my favorite well-thought out one and my favorite goofy/entertaining one. I imagine you can figure out which is which.
How I’d make Cartoon Network awesome again in 12 easy steps:
1) cancel all the live-action programming, perhaps moving a few of the more successful AS live-action series to TBS
2) give the Toonami guys a bigger budget to use as they please (and also heavily suggest they pick up Panty and Stocking and Madoka Magica)
3) get the Samurai Jack finale movie out of production hell
4) bring back MEGAS XLR and Sym-Bionic Titan
5) acquire anime shows for kids that aren’t Pokemon or similar toyetic junk
6) expand the Cartoon Planet block
7) move DC Nation to a primetime timeslot for easier viewing
8) put some of the more serious animation history shows (i.e. Toonheads, The Popeye Show, Oh Canada) back on the schedule, either during the day or the late late night/early early morning hours of Adult Swim
9) reunite the crew from Animaniacs/Tiny Toons/Pinky and the Brain/Freakazoid to create a new series in a similar vein
10) put an end to weird business sexism, acquire shojo anime and let Bruce Timm make the Wonder Woman cartoon he’s been dying to make for a long time
11) Sandman: TAS as Adult Swim’s first action original
12) if a show’s attracting “the wrong demographic”, I’d figure out how to re-market the show rather than cancel it
Using the portal into his brain that an angry wizard has been utilising for years, I would take control of Alan Moore. His ability to be both a genius comic book creator and a crotchety maniac have always fascinated me, and being able to decide his every move holds endless potential. First I would shave the beard (except for the ‘stache), get a haircut and assume the physical appearance of Stan Lee, then show up at parties and confuse people with my terrifying persona. Next I would sell the rights to Watchmen over to Michael Bay, on the condition that I play Silk Spectre. Next I would publicly challenge Frank Miller to a boxing match, then murder him. Next I would grow the beard and hair back, learn the Dark Arts and take over Staten Island. Next I would write the greatest comic book the world has ever seen, then hire Joss Whedon to adapt it for $800 million dollars. Next I would use my powers to become the President and declare comic books and comic book movies illegal, and immediately have Joss Whedon executed. Next I would eat a flamingo whole on national television. I would be unstoppable. I would be unmatched. I would be… PRESIDENT MOORE. Coming soon
I don’t know if every item on rubi-kun’s list would work out, but she has so many great ideas in there I’m willing to risk ’em. Lord knows Cartoon Network could use a bit of a hand. As for DoctorSmashy, well, you all knew he was going to win a shirt sooner or later, so at least now we’ve gotten it out of the way.
Thanks to everyone who entered, and congrats to the winners! You’re all #1 bosses in my book!