Something weird happened with this weekend’s contest (which was graciously sponsored by the excellent videogame-inspired apparel of Insert Coin Clothing, as you might recall): The topic was “Your Ultimate Finishing Move” which I had intended to be more of an anime/martial arts shout-out-your-attack-as-you-do-it type thing. But whether because of the Mortal Kombat pic I ran for the contest — which I used because it wasn’t sure everyone would understand a Naruto pic — or because the contest was sponsored by a gaming apparel company, you guys immediately took it to mean Mortal Kombat-type finishers. You guys weren’t wrong to do so, obviously, it’s just not what I had in mind. Wacky! Anyways, the results were still fantastic, as you’ll see on the next page.
Consider these Honorable Mentions the bludgeoning you’ll receive before I “finish” you with the winners. Or don’t. It’s kind of a shitty metaphor.
My Ultimate Finishing move would be the “Snatching Defeat from the Jaws of Victory”. I would pull out a grenade, then pull and throw the pin at the opponent. I would then explode in a pile of MK blood and gore; leaving the opponent there dazed, but aware, to resume his or her life with the obscene horror of what they witnessed lingering in their optic nerves. Eventually, the post-traumatic horror of it would be too much, and they would take their own life. When they got to the afterlife, I would be waiting there; at which point blood in the shapes of letters would spell out “FATALITY” in the sky.
my first thought was
Molestality: you go back in time and touch your young opponent’s ass inappropriately then come back to the present, upon which your opponent curls up into a ball of tears on the floor at the sight of you and has to start therapy.
but then I realized Mark Millar kinda already did that.
Name: Double Destroya
How I pull it off: Drop down to a sitting position, angle upwards to a kick in the groin. As they double over in pain, jump up for a quick Piledriver. Once they’re laid out by that, do a jump-flip over them and stomp both feet on their head.
Sequence: Down, Right, Up, Medium Kick, Up, Down, Down, Heavy Punch x2, Up, Heavy Kick x2
I would take them back home and nurse them back to health. Maybe hang them from a rope tied at their waist so they can learn to walk again, or something. Each day I would wait on them hand and foot, making sure that their every need was met, and watch as they slowly got better.
As the days turned into weeks which turned into months and into years, I would train them. I would teach them many things, much like the old priest from the Count of Monte Cristo. They would learn new languages, economics, world views and of course to fight. They would learn how to fight, because if I was able to beat them then they would need to know how to fight better and I would teach them.
I would show them the original Highlander movie and, each year, something new from that mythos. There would be the TV show and third movie. I would skip the second one, because I would need to save all the questions for the end. Each year there would be either a new season or a new movie. This would be the only entertainment that they had and I would make it sound like the best show on Earth.
The very last movie we would watch would be Highlander: The Source and at the very end, before everything in that movie really had time to sink in, I would chop off their head. I call my finishing move…
The Mercy Killing
“Terrible Twos Attack!”
And then I toss my kids at him. To add insult to injury, both aren’t potty-trained yet.
‘Pressure Board Annihilation Blow’! You punch your opponent so hard, they fly through the cabinet into the game next to you, drenching Burger Time in some real ground meat and hopefully traumatizing the little snot playing it at the time.
Mine is called “Get Schooled”. It involves taking my opponent, and teaching them how to be a proper lady.
The Ultimate Summoning Spell of Quality, Doom, and Being Unnecessarily Overdone (Or as my character would yell Something Something You’re Dead!)
First King Joffry would be summoned and sentence him to death (this would happen quickly due to time constraints and Joffry is sort of a dick.)
Upon this happening the next part of the spell takes place as the planeteers are summoned and then they in turn summon captain planet who uppercuts the poor bastard in the air. While he’s in the air the care bears appear and care bear stare him causing his body to rock, spin, and tumble as it begins to crash down into the ground. Right when it’s about to hit the ground . . . Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash fly down and catch him and then start singing about friendship and crap until Discord is then summoned, corrupts them, and they begin to constantly head butt him before dropping him to the ground. As if that was not enough the entire cast of Wacky Races are then summoned and each vehicle runs over the poor bastard (With Dick Dastardly doing it back and forth and back and forth)Despite this the poor victim would then start to raise his hand to show he was still alive . . and then the Monty Python Foot would come down and stomp on him. Then his now splattered remains are removed by a summoned Katamari Damacy.
Jump the Shark. I would perform a back-flip onto a shark that flies in from off screen. While Riding the shark it will connect with my opponent ripping him to shreds as it lands. The remaining body parts will be scattered by the shark’s swinging tail as it bounces off the ground and I ride the shark away.
Simple. I throw him into space.
My ultimate finishing move is for my character to shove his hands into the body of the opponent and pull out a mint sealed copy of Action Comics #1 and declare, “THIS IS MINE NOW!!”……….after which they fall to the ground in the fetal position and cry until they die bleeding
I ask him to wait while I retrieve my D20 dice to see if I can roll a critical…
I play YouTube clips from the Republican National Convention and Democratic National Convention.
My move is called Nostalgiality
Once dazed I take a vintage 1980’s – NEW IN SEALED BOX TOY and rip into the package of said fighters favorite toy (let’s say it’s Rob). I take the newly opened He-Man action figure. Then I place it up the nose and super kick it till the power sword stabs the brain – need a visual, go watch the joker’s disappearing pencil trick!
Killed by happy childhood memories!
For my finishing move I would shout “STOP HAMMERTIME” at which point my pants would magically transform into the snazziest pair of parachute pants ever created, a perk of being magic, and my shoes would gain spikes. I would then reenact the entire “Can’t Touch This” music video on the body of my opponent. The whole thing will be toe-tappingly tortuous!
My finishing move with be called The Bay Boom. It will be a 47 button move that takes 2 minutes 13 seconds to do and only if you are not hit and are watching a Bay movie on another TV in your house. If completed it just blows up your house with the transformer of your choice. The explosions last 47 minutes.
After I had defeated my opponent, I would leave them standing, festering there for 15 years, waiting, wondering what would come next. Soon the anticipation of the coming blow would overcome him, and he would fall to his knees, begging me just to finish him. Satisfied with the amount of anxiety I have caused, I would slowly walk over to him. Standing there before him I would begin to transform into a creature, the likes of which he had never seen. Long fin-like ears, webbed hands and feet, and a cold, hard face like that of a lizard. The sheer horror of my appearance would quickly overcome him, and he would succumb to the terror. My moves name? The Phantom Menace.
Matthew Nando Kelly:
My Ultimate Finishing Move would be called “The Procrastinator”
I’m really bad at finishing things so my opponent would be knocked out and I would try to think about a really badass way to finish him but then I would get distracted and go play some XBOX or maybe go on Wikipedia to see how many seasons of Spongebob there have been and then I would totally forget about what I was doing. By the time I do remember I have to “Finish Him” he will already be dead and I will have reorganized my DVD collection by year instead of by title. Score one for me.
As he stands there all wobbly, I’d wait for him to fall down..check my watch…tap my foot and then I’d go up to the character, put a gun to his temple, pull the trigger and walk off-screen. The move will be known as the “I ain’t got time for this shit.”
I’d save the poor schmuck and then write a beloved comic book of young adult series about his life. He’d be delighted, as he becomes a hero to millions around the globe.
Then I’d turn his story over to Michael Bay. He would die of shame, regret, and the sounds of a thousand children screaming from their raped childhoods.
I call it the Colonel Shraeder.
Pretty much the ultimate finishing move is “Phil Coulson”. I probably can just stop there, but I should warn that this is an finishing move that can be used only once and will give you automatic victory over every opponent you’ll face in the game. An unfortunate side effect is that all other characters in your video game will be rendered useless upon using Phil Coulson.The male characters become blubbering, crying messes once Coulson has been utilized and leaves, and all the female characters are instantly impregnated once the sequence to activate Phil Coulson has been imputed.
A MODERN MAN’S FINISHING MOVE:
I turn to my opponent, and say, “Eh, I’ll do it later.” Then I pull out my laptop and start checking my e-mails and Facebook and stuff.
I’ve beaten them senseless; they are swaying awaiting my final blow. Using my mystic summoning powers, I call forth Fran Drescher and Gilbert Gottfried. I hand them each a copy of a Game of thrones, and they dictate it to my victim with Fran playing the parts of every female character and Gilbert taking the male roles. At the start of each chapter they perform an acappella version of the show’s main theme.
I’ve expended a bunch of energy getting my enemy to the point of where I need to “Finish” them.
Sequence: Smash buttons hoping something happens.
What happens: Everyone walks away disappointed.
Name of move: Fornicandi Destitutione (use Google translate if you must)
My finishing move would be called Soul Siphon.
I would snap my fingers and my opponent would appear in a small cubicle where s/he would be forced to work toll-free phone customer service or tech support. The pain of talking to morons and working in a mindless bureaucratic environment day in and day out would cause my opponent’s soul to drain away until s/he was just a husk, though not quite dead. I would then use my opponent’s soul to regain my health and graciously break my opponent’s neck as s/he begged for mercy in between customer calls. (Cue cinematic cut scene of dead opponent at desk with a headset on while a caller says “Hello? Hello?)
Mine’s simple. I’ll force them to decide their own fate with luck with my…
I lodge a six-sided dice into their forehead, then backhand em so hard the dice flies out, what it lands on decides their fate.
1) Suplexed into a pit filled with printed copies of FanFictionFriday and Abraxas fan-art.
2) Thrown into a compactor with a car about to be scrapped and used to model Michael Bay’s Teenage Alien Ninja Tortoises bitchin giant robot sexslave fembot, played by Megan Fox.
3) Uppercut my fist through their anus, grasp the inside of the throat, then tug back so hard their head gets pulled out through their ass, so they can read the fanfiction written about just seconds beforehand, anatomical issues be damned!
4) Backhand them again, all the way to the set of Green Lantern 2, where they are forced to play every single role in the film, highly under-budget and released everywhere with them being labeled solely responsible. Death by lethal embarrassment.
5) Death by overly amorous radioactive giant monkeydogs hooked up to a constant drip of liquid Viagra.
6) Make them pay for the EX TURBO EDITION version of my finishing move, which comes with 10 20 sided-dice needed for more than 100 new finishing variations, and mandatory instant-replay allowing them to relive those new deaths over and over… forever…
My finishing move would be to assign my opponent the task of making a continuity driven Justice League movie.
SQUIRRELS…….as my opponent wobbles groggily (it’s probably a word) I pull out an acorn, polish it like a gentleman, and then slip it into their lips…and take a step back.
nothing happens for a few moments…then the screen starts to shake…as wave after WAVE of fuzzy tailed tree rats force their way down the maw of my wide-eyed victim. LITERALLY thousands of squirrels force their way into the soon-to-be doomed and ever expanding body. Now bloated and writhing with what Webster’s Dictionary refers to as a” New or Old World arboreal form having a long bushy tail and strong hind legs.” my opponent make one final plea for sanity…to end it quickly…but the only thing to come out of their mouth is the head of the cutest squirrel of them all….and then my opponent explodes….
SWEET VALLEY HIGH-DOKEN!!!
I change into a sexy 90’s twins, one of us nurses the opponent back to health, then they fall deeply in love. At the dinner when he is going to propose to her, the other twin emerges from the kitchen and jams her hand through their heart. For a while there is animosity among us, mostly because the blood ruined the dress I was wearing, but we resolve are issues to the awesome tunes of Matchbox 20.
“The Rowdy Roddy Piper”
Simple… I force him to finally put those #&%*ing sunglasses on!
Uppercut into a weak supporting role in a Uwe Boll film.
They say the greatest fighters have a touch of death which finishes their opponents, I have the talk of death. After beating the bajeezus out of my opponent, I tell him about my 8th level half elf summoner until my opponent strangles himself.
I just throw a kamehameha at my opponents. Those hawaian kings are heavy.
THE UNINTENDED PITIFUL LEG SWEEP!!!
Oh man, I had the best fatality planned, but I accidentally hit forward-down, instead of forward-back, right? It totally would have been sweet and there would have been blood and spines flying every which way. I might have hit A instead of B as well, but trust me, if that was my actual fatality it would have been metal as balls. Seriously, we have to play again so I can show you this awesome fatality, it’s totally the best. Trust me, I totally know how to do it, I just messed it up this one time.
I uppercut my opponent so hard, he flies high into the air then lands on top of a mountain, breaking his back.
…the two cowboys come by and make out on his corpse.
Final Attack Name: Hand of the Fist of the Punch Special Technique: Lifetime Achievement Award.
This grand finale takes the form of a time-traveling sucker punch of immense force that continuously and repeatedly hits the target across his or her entire lifetime, such as that time during high school graduation when I came onto the stage and sucker punched them, that first day at college when I sucker punched them, the day they met the person of their dreams and I emerged from behind a nearby display and sucker punched them, when they got hired by that prestigious law firm and I arrived in a taxi and sucker punched him, when they lay dying in bed near the end of their life and I came to give them a sponge bath and a sucker punch, then shattering their gravestone to pieces with a sucker punch.
And as the Hand of the Fist of the Punch Special Technique: Lifetime Achievement Award goes in both directions, I’d also sucker punch them on the playground, at daycare, the day they were born, and the grand finale is a double-fisted, well-aimed pair of punches thrown at the moment of conception.
My finishing move is one I use in everyday life already: The Judgy Eyebrow.
It’s the ultimate in disdain.
Make an outrageous comment? The right eyebrow creeps up to show you that I hold you in such contempt I won’t even reply.
When I’m really unimpressed and disappointed with you, the eyebrow is paired with a slow, deliberate shaking of the head.
There’s no defense and the only possible response is to back away and really think about what you’ve done.
I know it works too, because it was passed down to my toddler and my own power has been used against me far more often than I would like to admit.
I slap a pair of headphones on my opponents head blaring nothing but Nickleback B-sides. While they are basking in a cloud of confusion I continuously punch them in the face, bare knuckle style.
At the moment his health flashes zero, I embrace him in a moment of shared humanity. We have both sacrificed so much to be where we are. Teary eyed, he takes me to the places which bring him hope and meaning. I nod in approval at each intersection. At a bar we recollect our rivalry and laugh. In the morning we are more then what we were. Comrades. Brothers. We walk across our land and laugh and weep in equal measure.
When we reach California I do a split and rip out his entrails through his anus. I scream, “YOU LOSE, CARL MILLER!” as his entrails do a foxtrot on the pavement. Then I go and become a low-wage worker at Dairy Queen.
well basically my special move is pretty simple. I carry a folding chair around with me everywhere I go. After I whoop my opponents ass old school style, I strap their weakened corps to the chair, then affix them with a handy role of tape.
It’s at this point, that I forcefeed them an entire Chocolate Cake. All of it. Nothing will remain.Then? I pour a gallon of milk, and drink it all slowly, in front of them, savouring every last drop.
Everyone knows after you eat chocolate cake you need a glass of milk. The savoury taste will remain in their mouth, with nothing to wash it down. The overwhelming chocolate taste will slowly eat away at their brain until they are nothing left but a braindead husk.
At which point I scream “LACTALITY”
Finishing Move: Artwork and No Play
Sequence: Forward, Back, Down, Back, Up, Up, RT at close range
Description: Break your enemy’s arms and legs and cut them open. Reveal a canvas that was previously off screen that contains your unfinished watercolor painting of a sunset. Slice your enemy open and use his/her blood to finish painting in the red sky. After you are done, you get your painting appraised and sold at auction. The market for blood based paintings opens up and you get super rich for creating this new trend. “Creatality.”
And the winners!
I’d call my final move the Whedon. I’d have a likable, self-deprecating, endearing character come in from left screen, steady the wobbly victim, and blast me backwards, sending me hurtling into another dimension through a black hole. The two would then begin having their own adventure, with much laughter and learning commensing. They’d play with dinosaur toys, they’d collect trading cards, they’d learn to smile again, despite all the violence the victim survived. Then the black hole would open right behind the character and I’d reappear, literally propelled through the character’s rib cage. As the victim realized his friend was dead and tears began flowing over the characters’ mangled corpse, I’d pull out a remote control and say, “CANCELLED.” The screen would show the Fox logo, then go dark and the game would never be playable again.
I’m sure I’ll get some Whedon-teasing for this, but it was brilliant. Y’all can fuck yourselves.
I twist his feet around so they face the other way, then bend his pelvis backwards, snapping his spine. Next up, his shoulders get pushed backwards at a 45 degree angle, his elbows bent and his hands shoved up into his ribcage. Finally, his head is snapped backwards and shoved between his shoulder blades.
I call this finishing move the OPTIMUS PRIMALITY.
I honestly would love to see this move in any fighting game, period.
I walk up to the character and take off their shoes. I will then place 1 single Lego brick on the ground in front of them and turn the lights down very low. They will take 1 step forward, and then fall down, screaming in utter agony.
I call it…. The Lego-ality.
YOU TOOK IT TOO FAR, OBEEKRIS. SOME THINGS ARE TOO CRUEL TO JOKE ABOUT.
And that’s that! Congrats to the winners, thanks to everyone who entered, and thanks most of all to Insert Coin
for sponsoring this weekend’s contest! If you haven’t yet, please be sure to browse their excellent videogame shirts and hoodies
, especially if you like subtle, more business logo-y nerd shirts like I do.