Your assignment in this contest was to imagine a line of dialogue from a proposed Harry Potter movie sequel taking place 20 years from now. The folks at Deeply Dapper have judged (and come up with a special bonus for our top two runners-up!), so now it’s time for the reckoning. Over to them…
“We (There are three of us here at Deeply Dapper, me, my wife Lindsay and The Kraken… a seldom seen artist and photographer that also does a lot of the fabrication and printing for us.) each chose our favorites, then narrowed them down to three and my wife chose the official winner, because she’s the Harry Potter obsessive in our group.
The ‘Too Old’ Award goes to Anony-Mouse, Mik-El and Calibretto 23 for their entries.”
Harry Potter to Ron, after blasting a neo-deatheater – “I’m too old for this shit.”
Rated R to give the kids who grew up with Harry Potter the edgier version they have been asking for for years, and the older people who also saw Harry Potter are upset that it’s not the same.
Ok, this line needs to be there:
Harry: Dammit, I am getting too old for this sh-
Ron (Casting spell): SHUTTICUS!!!!!
Admittedly, Shutticus is a spell I just made up. Probably closes a door or something…
“I’m getting to old for this snitch”
“The ‘Milk Out The Nose’ Award goes to Arivalscientist for his Colostimus entry, as it actually made me snort milk out of my nose when I first read it. (and for making me want to see his Back to the Future entry)”
—-Harry Potter And The Colon Of Fire
Harry & Ginny are at their Wizard Wedding reception and are just about to kiss when a large flash of light fills the room and suddenly Dumbledore, who is alive and dressed in a yellowish orange robe and wearing metallic glasses, appears in front of them on a large, aluminum coated broomstick……..
Dumbledore: Harry!! You gotta come back with me!!
Dumbledore: Back to the future!!
Dumbledore quickly grabs pieces of the wedding cake and a glass of Butterbeer
Harry: Wait a minute, what are you doin’ Dumbledore??
Dumbledore: I need fuel!!
Dumbledore throws the cake at the end of the broomstick and pours the Butterbeer on it, where it mysteriously disappears in a puff of magic smoke……..the words Mr. Nimbus 10,000 can be clearly seen on the broomstick
Dumbledore: Go ahead, quick, get on the broom!!
Harry: No…no..no, Dumbledore, me and Ginny just got married and we’re going to go on our honeymoon.
Dumbledore: Well , bring her along, this concerns her too!!
Harry: Wait a minute Dumbledore, what are you talkin’ about?? What happens to us in the future?? What do we become Slytherin or somethin’??
Dumbledore: Oh, no, no, no, no…….You and Ginny turn out fine…..It’s your kids Harry, something’s gotta be done about your kids!!
Harry and Ginny (who is now being played by Amanda Seyfried) look at each other uncomfortably and get on the broomstick with Dumbledore
Harry: Hey, Dumbledore, you better back up, we don’t have enough air to fly up to……….
Dumbledore (While lowering his glasses over his eyes): Air?? Where we’re going, we don’t need……air!!
The Broomstick with Harry, Ginny, and Dumbledore suddenly disappears in a blinding white light
………Cue Huey Lewis and the News music………….
“The ‘Really Thought-Out Crossover’ Award goes to arthurdentrgv for his BPRD entry”
Scene: Ministry of magic. There are many wizards seated in seats that ring the room.
Voiceover: “Bring in the prisoner!”
Scene cuts to a much older Harry Potter seated in the room. Alongside him are Hermine, and the rest of the Weasely family. A much older Hagrid is there also.
A very haggard and very bruised man in chains is brought in and led to the center of the room. The judge bangs his gavel, which emits sparks each time it hits the table.
Judge: Draco Malfoy!
Bruised prisoner glares at judge, then sees Harry and gives him a look of pure hate.
Judge: You have been found guilty of numerous crimes, including an attack on Hogwarts that leveled most of the school and injured countless students. You are also accused of many other crimes that include attempted assassinations of importaint officials of the ministry of magic AND henious crimes against muggles as well!
Draco Sneers, then spits on the floor in contempt.
Drago: That is all true… If I had my way this place would be a burned-out ruin. My father and Lord Voldermort would have been proud of me. NOTHING STOOD IN MY WAY EXCEPT… HIM!(jerking his head at harry) AND I NEARLY HAD YOU YOU…. MUDBLOOD!
Numerous gasps come from the seated wizards.
Drago: MUDBLOOD! I leveled all that you loved… Hogwarts, your mudblood home, I nearly killed that slut sitting next to you! And those maggots the weasels! ALL OF YOU CONDEMNED MY FATHER TO PRISON AND STRIPPED MY FAMILY OF EVERYTHING! ALL OF YOU DESERVED TO DIE! When you ran to the muggle world I followed you! Then… Then…. Then… (starts sobbing uncontrollably)
Scene cuts to Harry looking stricken and Hermine and the Weasleys looking very upset.
Drago: WHAT WAS THAT … THING?! (Sobbing) No spell worked on it… That muggle with the fire… How could she hurt me?… ME!… That blue one… How could he know… How?… The one in the suit… He… He turned into vapor… No magic worked on it… Threw me around like a child…. Then the red one came along…. And… And…(Bursts into tears)
Judge: It is a proven fact that we are not alone in this world… What is less known is the fact that others like us exist among the muggles, and it is their task to defend the muggles from all the beings beyond our control or completely independent of our world. (Judge pauses) When you went on a rampage through the muggle world you attracted the attention of their champions. And you bear their marks, and the real reason why we are so careful not to reveal ourselves openly to the muggles. (Bangs gavel three times and sparks fly out at each hit.)
The door opens again and four people enter the room: One is a woman with long black hair, the second is a blue-skinned being wearing a breathing apparatus, the third a being wearing what looks like a diving suit, and the fourth a red-skinned demon with a huge right hand.
Drago Malfoy screams in terror and tries to run but the chains keep him from moving very far.
Liz: (looking around) Impressive.
Abe Sapiens: Yes. (Also looks around) But most courtrooms look alike. Still….(Raising his hand above his head and slowly turning in a circle) There is SO much going on here.
Johann Krauss: Yes. There is. But it is not for us to know. BELIEVE me! (Abe puts hand down.)
Hellboy: Yup… Hmmm. And I thought the Big Apple was weird.
Judge: The court thanks you for bringing back the prisoner. And we will be doing our best to repair the damage he did.
Johann Krauss: That will be a big help. Thank you very much.
Liz: Just keep him here. If I EVER meet him again… Well… (Opens hand. A flame appears in it)
Hellboy: Believe ME, I know what she can do. Sorry about crushing his wand but I had to stop him: Still and all..(Examines his huge right hand) That’s the first time I’ve ever been hurt on this hand.
Judge:Do you need to be healed?
Hellboy: No. It was just a slight burn… All healed now.
Judge: Ahh. I see. Magic wands can be very powerful. And dangerous.
Hellboy: I just glad nobody else has them. Things are complicated enough already.
Abe Sapiens: I’m afraid to ask about the books here.
Judge: Some are dangerous, but the book dealers will tell you which ones are safe for you.
Judge bangs gavel.
Judge; Remove the prisoner!
Draco Malfoy is dragged out of the room.
Too bad a Hellboy/Harry Potter crossover is not likely to happen.
“The Runners Up – Who we’d like to give a Sasquatch Sticker to…“
“The Kraken’s choice: Gallen Dugall for his entry. Because The Kraken thinks Squid sex is hot.”
Said by everyone at least once “Who’d have thought that Howarts would still be standing after all these years… what with it constantly being raped by giant squid and all.”
“Second Place: Slomotomi because I love bad movies and the Nick Cage as a house elf entry would be like modern Cage in Adaptation directed by Uwe Boll. Awesomely bad.”
“I just don’t understand you anymore, Dobby.” Harry said as he rounded the office table to catch up to the elf, who, by the looks of it, did not want to be touched. “Just come back to the Weasleys with me. Have a nice cup of tea. Everything will be like it was.”
“The name isn’t Dobby, it’s Nicholas Cage.” Dobby shrieked, and heaved a lamp at Harry. “Nicholas Cage left for muggle Hollywood ages ago. Nicholas Cage pounded the pavement until he was famous actor, but do Harry and his friends care? No! you all forget about Nicholas Cage. Harry Potter does not respect Nicholas Cage as an actor!”
“Well, big deal that I don’t,” Harry replied as he rose his head up from behind the desk, making sure Dobby, er, Nicholas Cage, wasn’t planning on throwing anything else. “I starred in seven of those books, and eight movies, and nobody respected me as an actor. Now you’re just being silly.”
“Nicholas Cage is not being silly, Harry Potter is just jealous of Nicholas Cage! Now Harry Potter get out of Nicholas Cage’s office before Nicholas Cage calls security!”
“The Winner – Senor Puddin – for the gag about Sex Ed in one entry and how spot-on Hermione’s nerd-rage rant was in the other. Hilarious and canon-accurate!”
hermione and ginny are talking over coffee
Hermione: oh please, I wish Hogwarts had a classes a little more akin to muggle schools.
Ginny: how so?
Hermione: well its all well and good that we are wizards and that we can do magic that is astounding. but I think that somewhere between learning how to make feathers float and bubble head charmsthey could teach us to balance a check book.
Ginny: or sex ed.
Hermione: oh definitely I mentioned to Ron about finding the clitoris and he took out his copy of magical beasts and where to find them.
at platform 9 3/4.
James Potter: You will never guess what i just saw.
Ginny Potter: what love?
James Potter: Teddy and Victoire (honestly am i the only one wondering why Bill Weasley allowed hiswife to name their child after an ex-competitor in the triwizard tournement? I’m not saying shes a cheater all I’m saying is that if that girl is duck-footed, Fluer has some ‘splain to do) snogging!! Our Teddy! Teddy Lupin!! snogging our cousin our Victoire!
Ginny Potter: Honestly Honey you are worse then Ron.
Ron Weasley: Am I missing something? Who the bloody hell is Teddy?
Harry Potter: Remus and Tonk’s kid, my godson.
Ron Weasley: when did this happen?
Hermione Granger-Weasley(we all know she hyphenated her last name): Its in the book. But for some reason that goes beyond understanding the producers of the movie decided that its fans, who sat through 10 years of waiting and 8 movies based on 7 novels totaling well over 19 hours wouldn’t sit still for an extra 7 minutes to explain about a character who in the event of a sequel series in 20 years time would obviously be a main character. It’s like how we never met Bill until movie 7 when we have known him since our fourth year. And don’t get me started on the whole Charlie thing. “oh charlie is a dragon trainer” oh well coincidently we dealt with dragons in the fourth year but did we meet charlie? a logical progression, but no.
Ron Weasley: what books? Harry did you write a book?
Hermione Granger-Weasley: The books that are based on our adventures. written by a muggle.
Ron Weasley: BY. A. MUGGLE!!!!!
Harry Potter: no worries, when she wrote the books I had Kingsley perform a memory charm on her she think the whole thing is a story she dreamt up.
Hermione Granger-Weasley: That’s horrible. especially since it spawned a series of incomplete movies. The fifth movie didn’t even mention the possibility of Neville being the chosen one. I mean that was a big bit to cut out….
as Hermione continues to rant on possibly bringing in house elf rights and such Harry and Ron walk away a little bit
Harry Potter: I forgot how much she talks when she gets passionate about something.
Ron Weasley: When she gets passionate she is all about using her mouth… (winks and nudges harry)
Harry Potter: Ron thats a little too much.
Ron Weasley: No a little too much was that once we took polyjuice potion so we could make love looking like You and Cho Chang.
Harry Potter: YOU BODY CHANGED INTO ME!?!?
Ron Weasley: um…er…no
Congrats to the winners and both runners-up – send me your mailing info and I will pass it along for your prize/sasquatch sticker.
many thanks to Deeply Dapper for reading every disturbing entry and blessing us with bonuses.