The ABCs of Death Blu-ray Winners


The assignment was to reimagine a children’s story as a horror short with at least one death.

I realize that with a twisted movie like The ABCs of Death, I’m unleashing everybody’s darkest thoughts, but a slight word to the wise – casual rape references aren’t really a winning combination. You need to be an absolute master of the written word, or have a very unique take, to pull one off that doesn’t just seem totally douchey.

So there were some truly unpleasant entries in the mix, but also some really quite brilliant ones. With four winners on this one, there aren’t quite as many runners up as usual. But here we go:

DrAbraxas actually had a rare nonsexual entry:

how about this – “it’s christmas, charlie xbxrxoxwxnx MANSON”

scarfdemon – short and to the point.

“Cloudy with a chance of bowling balls!”

From ogundiety – what’s a horror contest without a Lovecraftian selection?

The Cat in the Hat comes to visit poor children, and over the fish’s objections starts to corrupt the children.
What they don’t realize is each time he grants a wish it steals a bit of the fish’s soul, causing him to decay from the inside, while the cat who is secretly a great god, needs their belief in his ‘fun’ and similiar to manifest on this plane and thus doom all humanity.

Th poor fish gets dumber and more confused, and rots from the inside out, shown by his formerly orange scales shifting to black as the cat grants wishes (I’m thinking a montage scene), and the cat seems to inexplicably grow more tails with each wish, till they’re writhing and not really tails so much as tentacles.

Of course, the children pause, and still wish once too much, killing the fish and unleashing the elder gods at the end.

mag_linear gives us a real Hunny Boo-Boo:

There was a game of Hide and Seek going on in the Hundred Acre wood, and Christopher Robin was it. The first one to be found was Pooh, who was eating Hunny in his house. Pooh said that he was in a spot that Christopher Robin would never have found, but Pooh had gotten hungry.
Robin and Pooh spent hours scouring the woods for the rest of their friends, but none of them could be found. Christopher Robin shouted “I give up!” at the top of his lungs, but nobody responded.
“Perhaps they are at my hiding spot,” Pooh suggested. Christopher Robin let Pooh lead him to the hiding spot, which turned out to be a basement underneath Piglet’s tree.
Inside were the bones of a pig, rabbit, donkey, owl, two kangaroos, and a tiger. Christopher Robin was aghast with terror as he turned his gaze to Pooh.
The only thing Pooh said was, “I’m starting to get hungry.”

The Hungry Caterpillar was inspiration for several, but Patch999 gave it the best mash-up (this is how you make a sick joke that’s also clever):

The Hungry Human Caterpillar
Tied ass to mouth is no way to live.
Especially when the front side has an appetite like his.
He eats everything in sight, but my meals taste the same.
It really is driving me totally insane.
I’m not sure how long this misery will last.
Hopefully not as long as that pasta he just passed.
I know someones supposed to die at the end.
I hope that it’s me…he just ate again.

TrapJaw had my favorite image entry:


Hit the jump for our four winners…

All of the folks below need to email me their contact info:

Because sometimes brevity can be the soul of wit, rpmarsh takes home a prize for this quick and evocative two-liner:

There was an old lady who lived in a shoe. Then came the foot

Than.a.tos had the best combo of rhyme, nerd reference and morbid humor:

Little Bo Beep has lost her sheep
And doesn’t know where to find them
She searched all around, in the halls and on ground,
But was ready to give up all hope, when
She heard quite a noise from a group of young boys
Who were running towards her, screaming.
Behind them were the sheep of Little Bo Peep,
Skin rotting, eyes glazed and gleaming.
Bo Beep called their names, as the boys ran away,
And upon her they trained their sight —
For the sheep, you see, had become three zombies,
And were grazing on people that night.
In sheer disbelief, she started to weep,
But knowing what she had to do,
Pulled the top off her cane, leveled it, aimed,
And shot Fred with a .22.
His head exploded, while Bo Peep reloaded,
In order to end the attack.
The next bullet went full, right through the skull,
Of the sheep that she once called Mac.
All that remained for her to save the day,
Was to take out her favorite one, Sam,
But instead of a blast, Bo Peep let out a gasp,
As her cane-gun for some reason jammed.
Much to her horror, Sam was quickly upon her,
Biting and flailing his hooves.
Upon Bo Peep’s honor, she thought “I’m a goner!”
Desperately trying to move.
Suddenly, at her side, Bo Peep just spied
Fred’s jawbone, laying there full.
Grabbing it quickly, it made quite a sickly
Noise as it went into Sam’s skull.
Sam screamed for a bit, throwing a zombified fit,
Until finally, dead and still laid the fella.
Bo Peep, covered in blood, said aloud as she stood —
“No more buying sheep from Umbrella.”

ComradeDread1 was my early favorite, and never equaled:

In the middle of a ghost town off route 66, lies a small town out in the sticks, filled with boarded up shops that appear quite scary and old wooden church with an overgrown cemetery,a single light remains shining in the local diner, the last remnant of days that were kinder.
While few have stopped in quite a while, for the ones who do, Ol’ Sam waits with a friendly smile. The delivery trucks have not come for quite a while, but Ol’ Sam will make you up a meal in his signature style. For in his icebox, rotten green eggs and ham are all that remain. But none who’ve tried it have ever complained. And you soon get the feeling that the old cook is not quite sane, at least not judging from his knife with the blood stain, or the jar on the mantle containing one half brain.
Try them, try them, he says with a leer and a gleam in his eyes that makes his intentions quite clear.
Try them, try them, they’re quite delish, try them, grow fat, become tomorrow’s special dish.
In the middle of a ghost town off route 66, lies a small town out in the sticks, filled with boarded up shops that appear quite scary and old wooden church with an overgrown cemetery, Ol’ Sam alone with a stomach full of tasty flesh, walks away from a grave that appears quite fresh.

Finally, Calm-AV has been trying to win for a while, and this take on Goodnight Moon finally did it:

In the great green room, there was a telephone call about the creature of the black lagoon and the transformation of a werewolf howling at the moon. And there were three ravenous bears sitting in a chair. And two Vampiric kittens that are going to make you bitten. And a little sick mouse and your stabbed spouse. And a Tome and Razors brush fills a bowl of your slush And a crazy old lady who is whispering “hush”
Goodnight room, Goodnight room,
Goodnight werewolf howling at the moon.
Goodnight Lich and creature from the black lagoon
Goodnight I know you’re scared, Goodnight if you dare
Goodnight I know you’re bitten, Goodnight your eulogy is written
Goodnight sounds of squawks, Goodnight sounds of knocks
Goodnight Mouse nibbling on your dead spouse
Goodnight Tome and pillow to make you shush
Goodnight Mr. Nobody, Goodnight as your guts gush
And Goodnight to the old lady whispering “hush”
Goodnight stars and poisoned “air”
Goodnight zombies invading everywhere

Congratulations to all. Magnet and WB have been really happy with our giveaways thus far, so I think we’ll see plenty more.