Who goes home with this handsome pair of Voltron T-shirts? I’ll tell you in a moment.
But first, the assignment: it was to pitch me an alternate version of any of this summer’s big movies (using “summer” very loosely) using none of the original talent involved. I tried to pare this down to just the absolute best, and that started with ruling out any entries that used pre-existing artwork or videos.
Without further ado…
I would also remake “The Hundred Foot Journey”. This time it would be a film by Michael Bay. It would start megan fox as the Madame Mirren who is a very traditional American chef who screams America #1 and makes possibly racist jokes when foreigners try to bring ethnic cuisines to her town. She learns to accept them when they learn to accept how great America’s army and food are and apply this themes to their cuisine. The foreigners will be play by Shia Labeouf and Guy Fieri in brown face. Important parts of the movie include Megan Fox doing awkward sexy poses every time she speaks, a restoration montage of the restaurant where there are multiple explosions and the US army gets involved and saves the foreigners.
I’d remake Guardians of the Galaxy –
Quill is now Naked Jennifer Lawrence
Rocket is voiced by Gilbert Gottfried
Drax is Hulk Hogan
Gamora is nude Eva Green
And Groot will be voiced by Patrick Stewart
Ronan The Accuser will be played by Tom Hardy
And Nebula will be the Olsen twins
Sure, it may not be as good – but the now R-rated, mostly topless movie will be a boon to the industry.
The LEGO Movie, starring
Jay Baruchel as Emmet
Amy Poehler as Wyldstyle
Ellen DeGeneres as UniKitty
Seth Green as Benny
Billy Connoly as Metalbeard
Nic Cage as Batman
Bruce Willis as Bad/Good Cop
John Lovitz as President Business
Samuel L Jackson as Vitruvius
Leave EVERYTHING exactly as it is… but amp up the dialogue for an R Rating
Vitruvius: He’s coming… Stop jerking off & get the fuck ready!!!
Unikitty: Welcome to Cloud Cuckoo Land
Batman: Jesus fucking Christ I hate this goddamned fucking place!!
BadCop: Damn, damn, damn, Fucking HELL!! DAMMIT!!!!
Benny: God dammit….Disable the fucking shield!!
Metalbeard: Noo jist haud on! Lemme giv’it ta go….
[to the computer]
Fer fooks sake…. Awa’ an bile yer sheilds, ya QUIM!!!!
Computer: Disabling shield.
Benny: You’re fucking kidding me…..
Emmet: Introducing the double decker couch! So everyone could watch TV together and be buddies!
Wyldstyle: That’s literally the crappiest thing I’ve ever seen…
Vitruvius: Please, Wyldstyle, let me handle this… WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU NIGGA?!?!?!?
Unikitty: Business, Business, Numbers… *whispers* If I blow you can I get a raise??
Godzilla: starring George Takei, George Clooney, Patrick Stewart and Ian McKellen.
Instead of a movie full of giant monsters beating each other up, George Takei and George Clooney sit in a high end hotel bar and calmly discuss Japanese-American relations in the wake of World War II and how those changes influence modern life, a la “My Dinner with Andre”.
The bartender is played by Patrick Stewart and the waiter is Ian McKellen.
Make “Godzilla” just a two-hour cooking show, starring Godzilla, Ken Watanabe (not Dr. Serizawa, mind you, just the actor Ken Watanabe) and Anguirus.
I’d redo Divergent but instead of Shailene Woodley and Zoe Kravitz it would have Jennifer Lawrence and Lenny Kravitz.
Wait, im sorry what? What do you mean its already been done? I don’t think so.
I’d do “Expendables 3,” using sitcom actors of the eighties instead of action stars. It’d still be a balls-out action flick, but instead of Stallone, Statham, and Rousey, you’d have Bronson Pinchot, Harry Anderson, and Bea Arthur beating the shit out of people and blowing stuff up.
I’d remake that “Into the Storm” movie as a X-Men themed porno
I’d remake that Spiderman 2 movie as nothing so the rights would revert to Marvel
the Ghost of Rob Bricken
what’s left of Lyt’s dignity
– are your guardians of the galaxy
And the winner is…
The November Man directed by Terry Gilliam, now called the The Imaginarium of James Bond and Copyright Infringement. The lead would be played byDaniel Craig, Timothy Dalton, and Roger Moore as different versions of our hero as he wanders through a dying career, concluding with a cameo from a confused Sean Connery stumbling through the street topless and in short-shorts, who’s then consumed by a giant cartoon hedgehog muttering the enigmatic “Dinsdale.”
Nailed it in every way. Please email me with your address and T-shirt size.