Fast Food Review: That McDonald’s Third-Pound Burger the Stupid New Hamburglar Wants

Does anybody remember the last time McDonald’s did third-pound burgers?

I do, because it coincided with my moving to Orange County to work at the OC Weekly. A few months later, Topless Robot came online.

But that’s not the point. The point is that McDonald’s at that time called them Angus burgers, and Jack in the Box, which was pushing its own Sirloin burgers, started running ads that basically implied Angus beef came from a cow’s anus.

Lo and behold, McD’s now calls them sirloin burgers too. And that’s good, because the anus ones really did taste like ass – their mushroom and swiss was the first fast food item I ever reviewed that I could not finish, because it had like a half-inch-thick amount of mayo spread on it.

This time, they have a Steakhouse burger that has white cheddar, mushrooms, onions and what they call peppercorn sauce. Cheese is generously on both sides of the burger, but the sauce is a bit sparser, erring perhaps on the side of caution relative to the mayo lesson I hope they learned.

There’s a problem with nearly every large fast food burger, though, and a reason people like Julia prefer the small, thin cheeseburgers. Given the way fast-food ingredients are mass-produced, there’s more of a risk of contamination from undercooking, so no fast food chain is going to sell you a rare burger. And to make sure all the bacteria are baked out, that thick patty has to be brownish-gray throughout. Which makes it rather dry, and is probably the real reason Carl’s Jr now puts insane amounts of toppings on their Thickburgers. (Seriously, they’re testing one with Flamin’ Hot Cheetos and nacho sauce. I have not been able to find it.)

Jack in the Box makes burger patties that look a bit more natural and less formed, so their sirloin burgers cooked quite well without getting too dry thanks to the increased surface area from “nooks and crannies,” if you will. Also, ever since Jack had the e.coli scare in the ’90s, they’ve held their meat to more stringent standards than the bare minimum. But now that they’re putting butter on their burgers, fuck them. That shiz is gross.

McDonald’s, on the other hand, makes the fakest looking food there is and does not care. And thus this burger is dry, dry, dry. Which is a shame, because the sauce has promise – it’s a little like steak sauce with a horseradish kick. More of it would help.

The idea that a suburban dad would ditch his backyard grill, revert to being a cartoon thief and try to steal this is absurd, but maybe the Hamburglar actually is insane from mad cow disease. That would explain a lot.

These burgers also come in “Lettuce & Tomato” and “Bacon & Cheese.” All three look to be short on sauce. So, y’know, I appreciate that they registered mayo complaints from last time, or so I arrogantly assume – but mayo is not peppercorn sauce, y’all. Peppercorn anything makes stuff better, and needs to exist in more quantities.