Awesomest Toy You Never Got: And the Winner Is…

151 comments? Are you kidding me? How the hell am I supposed to deal with that? I’m just one man, people, and a very, very lazy man at that. I can barely muster the energy to play most videogames, let alone try to discern the funniest of 150+ exceedingly entertaining memoirs of parents’ stupidity, of childhood stupidity, and toys forever out of reach. So here, as always, are just a few of the entries worthy of mention:

? LBD “Nytetrain,” for being succinct
? Jordon, for believing
? Darthbogues, for not killing your brothers outright
? Captain Flunky, for knowing the importance of R2’s third leg
? Frito, because that Tick game really fucking sucked
? Xanthippas, for showing the logical conclusion of not getting those toys as kids
? revenantDSM, because I’m still waiting too
? Dep103 for continuing the cycle
? Bill Binder, whose mom rocks
? tasakeru828, for receiving the wrath of the ninja
? TM, for getting screwed by the Christmas switcharoo (I feel your pain, brother)
? Katie, for “And I feel that the fact that I never had ANY video games as a child
has put me at a huge disadvantage when I get drunk and play Mario Kart
with my friends.”
? Diddy_Mao, because I got the Play-Doh dick-punch too
? Liter One for a genuinely heartwarming story
? College_Princess, for “Well, you know what, Barbie? My waist can support my torso, so you can suck it.”
? Scoldweld71, for “I came up with a solution that seemed perfectly reasonable at the time. I peed in the basement”
? Nightbird, for getting screwed by his parents’ good intentions
? Joshua, for holding out on being potty-trained until mom ponied up
? John, for the worst parental switcheroo I’ve ever heard of
? CM and everyone who inadvertently traumatized their parents by not being overjoyed with a certain gift on Christmas morning

Yeah, seriously — those are just a few. So go read them and enjoy, but first, here’s the winning entry by billnye97:

The
greatest toy I never got was the GI Joe Tomahawk. … I was 9 years old and I wouldn’t stop talking to my friends about
this damn Tomahawk helicopter. Much to my surprise my friend actually
got one. That really pissed me off because he kept showing it off. I
vowed that one would be mine. Oh yes it would be mine.

My mom on
the other hand refused to spend the $12.99 for it. Well one day I go to
meet with my friend who had it and he was crying. I asked him what was
wrong and he said his mom threw out all of his GI Joes because he was
bad. He said she threw them in the dumpster. I immediately got excited
and told him I had to go home. I went right to the dumpster and hopped
in. I ripped open some bags and by the third one I got the treasure. A
whole garbage bag full of GI Joes and the holy grail was there: the
Tomahawk. I took the bag home and started playing with my new found
booty.

My mom immediately saw it and I was busted. I told her my
friends mom threw them out. She slapped me and then told me to go put
all of it back in the dumpster because his mom was teaching him a
lesson. So I was crying and put it in the dumpster. That was the only
time I ever got to play with the Tomahawk.

Crying. In a dumpster. With the toy of your dreams right next you — and your parent won’t let you have it? That’s worse than not getting it at all. I can only hope that a TR shirt will help ease some of those clearly painful emotional scars, billney97. Thanks to all who entered, and don’t worry — there are still plenty more contests left to go.