Nerdery, TV

Fan Fiction Friday: Elmo in “Lessons Learned on Sesame Street”



?Way, way back when I posted that horrible AT&T commercial fan fic, “Saving Minutes Saves Money,” I noted how badly I felt for the actors. They didn’t sign up to be in some horrible rape/snuff fiction. They’re just people doing a job, likely for a single day — they’re aren’t portraying beloved characters or working on hit shows or movies. They shouldn’t have to deal with fan fic of themselves sodomizing each other.

I’d like to take this a step further and propose that if you work on Sesame Street, it should be against the law to have erotic fan fic written about you. You’re devoting your life to educating and entertaining children, and people who try and twist that into something evil and awful should go to jail. Like The Carmel Hump, for this story:

It was a warm day on Sesame Street. “A little too warm,” thought
Maria as she lay in bed, letting the morning light play upon her waking
body. The sunlight from the half opened window had focused a narrow
beam on her pussy and the itch from the heat made her rub the thin white
cotton covering it. She began to massage her vagina more intently when
she came to her senses. Today was the sort of day to get things done and
the flowers on the front porch needed watering, so reluctantly she got
out of bed ready to face it. She stood at the mirror and took inventory
of herself. She still looked pretty, even after having children. Her
breasts pointed out from Lu?s’ t-shirt and she had a nice round curve to
her body. Satisfied she pulled on her cutoff shorts and headed out the
door and outside.

Maria was glad she’d worn something cool as she grabbed a watering
can and began to water the first of the plants that lined the front
porch of her apartment building. She leaned over to reach the lower pots
when she noticed some heavy breathing coming from somewhere nearby.
Looking up in the direction of the noise she noticed some bright red fur
in one of the second story windows. It had to be Elmo! For years now
Elmo had been telling everyone that he was three years old. Yeah right.
She had long since theorized that Elmo was either much older and just
faking it, or that he had some sort of infantilism fetish. She had to
test out her theory. Pretending she hadn’t noticed, she again bent way
over, allowing the oversized t-shirt she was wearing to hang down fully
exposing her firm breasts to little red monster. Maria heard a soft high
pitched “ooooohhhh……” from window above.

Alas poor Sonia Manzano, who’s nobly played Maria since 1971, my heart bleeds for you. Elmo… not so much. You deserve whatever shit you get since you nudged my man Grover off the Street. J is for hitting the Jump.

He was faking it! She
began to formulate a plan that would teach him a lesson once and for
all. She turned around and bent over, sticking her ass in the air and
presented her crotch to him which, due to the tightness of her old
shorts, actually caused the sides of her pussy lips to peek out. Knowing
what this would do the little pervert she quickly turned around caught
him off guard.

P is for Pussy Lips

“Elmo, were you staring at me just now as I was watering the flowers?”

“No Maria, Elmo wasn’t staring at you. Elmo was just looking at all the pretty flowers.”

“Are you sure Elmo? I could have sworn you were staring at my breasts when I bent down a few minutes ago.”

“Maria! Elmo wouldn’t do such a thing. Ha ha, Elmo is only three years old after all.”



“Okay Elmo, I have to do some more watering so I’ll talk to you later.”

“Bye bye, Maria. Have a nice day!”

Maria turned her attention back to the job at hand, waiting
patiently for Elmo to come down. Sure enough, he soon opened the door to
the front stoop and headed for the street.

“Bye Maria, Elmo has a play date with Telly. See you later!”

She seized Elmo by the arm. “Come with me please,” said a very
stern Maria. She quickly pulled him back into the apartment building,
through the entrance into 2a, and into her bedroom where she set him on
the bed. “Lay down Elmo.” She had a no-nonsense tone of voice so he
complied immediately. Rummaging around her closet she found what she was
looking for. Over the years she had done quite a bit of babysitting for
the neighborhood kids, and as such she usually kept some supplies on
hand. Pulling out the item in question she walked back over to the bed
and held up a diaper.

“Elmo, if you’re going to act like a baby then I’ll just have to treat you like a baby.”

She grabbed Elmo by the ankles in one hand and placed the diaper under his bottom.

“Maria, Elmo doesn’t need a diaper. Elmo can use the potty!”

Not a great band name, but in terms of Things You Can Say to Instantly Kill the Mood, “Elmo can use the potty!” has to be in the top 20. Top 10 if you say it in the Elmo voice.

As Maria walked around the side of the bed and bent down to grab
something from under the bed, she once again gave him an unobstructed
titty shot. When she walked back to the foot of the bed she noticed that
sure enough, the tip of Elmo’s penis was peeking out of its furry
sheath. Pulling out a bottle of lotion she began rub all around his
diaper area, concentrating on his growing penis.

Top 50: Referring to your crotch as your “diaper area.”

“Maria shouldn’t touch Elmo there. That’s a private place.”

What do Muppets show authority figures where they’ve been touched on?

“Shhhhhh, just lay back and relax Elmo. Mommy needs rub lotion on baby so he doesn’t get a rash.”

Girls, feel free to say “Mommy needs rub lotion on baby” and see how long your man stay erect. If it’s more than 10 seconds, get a new man. And possibly call the police.

Elmo’s penis was rock hard now and had grown enough for Maria to
wrap her hand around it and was masturbating it almost exclusively. Elmo
began to hump Maria’s fist soon felt his penis twitch as he began to
spurt huge loads of cum up in the air. Try as she might, some semen
landed on Elmo’s fur. She took a rag and wiped it off, and by the time
she was done, his cock had slipped inside its sheath and disappeared.
Elmo had no time to recover as Maria expertly finished diapering him and
before he knew it he was hoisted to his feet, led out of the apartment,
and back onto the front stoop.

If you can imagine Elmo, the Muppet, humping the fist that’s jerking him off with guzzling straight bourbon… well, you’re a better person than me.

Elmo stood there stunned. Minutes before he had been masturbated
against his will and diapered like a baby, and now here he stood for all
of Sesame Street to see, wearing a diaper. (At least it didn’t have his
picture on it).

Well, we’ve all been there.

Now for Part 2 of her plan, thought Maria.

“What’s wrong Elmo, you don’t look very well?” Maria reached up and felt his forehead.

“You feel warm Elmo. I think we’d better take your temperature.”

She grabbed him by the waist, laid him face down across her lap and
lowered his diaper to his knees. Elmo hadn’t noticed that before she
left the apartment she had grabbed her old rectal thermometer and a jar
of Vaseline, though he soon realized what was about to happen as she
gave the glass instrument several quick shakes and dipped it into the
greasy jar.

“Now lay still Elmo. Mommy needs take baby’s temperature and she doesn’t
want him to bite it. If you move too much Mommy will have to take it
out and start all over again.”

“Maria, Elmo is a big boy. He doesn’t…….”

Elmo didn’t finish his sentence as he felt Maria locate his rectum
and slowly insert the glass thermometer deep into his bottom.

Somewhere, Grover is cackling in glee.

He grunted
as the round bulb was seated into place and he settled into a quiet
shame as he was subjected to having his rectal temperature taken
publicly along the Main Street of Sesame Street. To make matters worse,
Elmo had tried to adjust himself, and Maria in response had placed a
firm hand on his back and another on his bottom with the thermometer
between her fingers to keep it from slipping out.

If you ever have a plan, and it involves sticking a rectal thermometer in — well, anybody really, but anyone over the age three in general and a muppet in specific — you have fucked up your life beyond belief.

Maria counted off a full five minutes to get an accurate reading
and was about to pull the thermometer out when Emily and Sarah walked
by. Seeing Elmo across Maria’s lap, wearing a diaper, with a thermometer
sticking out of his bottom, the girls stopped dead in their tracks and
stared wide-eyed.

I absolutely refuse to look this up, so moms, please correct me if I’m wrong. But I sincerely doubt it takes five minutes to get an accurate temperature reading from a baby’s rectum, otherwise it wouldn’t be a viable method of gauging babies’ temperatures.

Oh. Oh god.

I hate that FFF has forced me to think about this. And I hate even more the fact that I’m hoping the dude got it wrong, because if this guy has accurate knowledge about how to take babies’ temperatures through their rectums, this world is infinitely worse than I had ever let myself consider.

“Maria, what are you doing?” asked Sarah, the younger of the two.

“Hi girls! Elmo felt hot so I’m taking his temperature to make sure he doesn’t have a fever.”

Maria slowly withdrew the thermometer from Elmo’s bottom and held
it up take the reading. (A degree higher than normal, which she
attributed to his sexual arousal over the last hour.) She realized that
now would be the perfect opportunity to really drive the point home to
Elmo. Emily, 12, and Sarah, 11, were best friends and had asked Maria
last week if she could train them for babysitting the following summer.
Time for their first lesson.

When you’re grateful the characters’ age are at least in double-digits, you know you’re reading FFF!

“I know you girls had wanted to start babysitting this summer and had
come to me for some tips. I think now would be a good time to learn how
to take a baby’s temperature. Sometimes, when a baby is too young, they
may not be able to keep the thermometer in their mouths or they may try
to bite it. When that is the case, you need to know how to take their
temperature in their bottom.”

She spoke in a motherly and kindly instructive way, and the girls took in every word.

“Why don’t you girls sit next to me you can practice on Elmo?”

Both girls quickly took their places beside her on the stoop.

“Elmo, why don’t you stand up and lay over Sarah’s lap.”

As Elmo stood up, his penis was fully erect again and they girls had their first view of a hard penis.

And they would erroneously believe that all penises were made of red felt for the next several years.

“Don’t be embarrassed girls, that’s just Elmo’s penis. Sometimes when
boys have their temperatures taken, their penises get hard. This is
perfectly natural and you shouldn’t be surprised if this happens, it
will go down eventually.”

Sadly, terrifyingly, the author has done some research on baby erections. I only pray that it was online.

Elmo walked around while the girls spaced out a bit. He lowered
himself onto Sarah’s lap and in the process caused her dress to ride up
exposing her knees. Maria handed her the thermometer and with a little
instruction Elmo found himself once again having the cool glass tube
being inserted deep into his furry bottom. Elmo’s arousal became more
intense and his penis extended even further. His penis was so hard in
fact that as he adjusted himself down upon her it made contact with the
crease behind her right knee. Since monster penises excreted lubrication
from the tip down to the shaft he found it easy to penetrate that cleft
and plunge inside. Sarah felt this movement and it felt strange a
curious. It tickled a little, and she noticed that his bottom made
little up and down movements that matched the tickles. She didn’t know
why, but she felt a different kind of tickle between her legs, more like
itch, and she suddenly wanted to rub her vagina to relieve it. Then she
felt something else, like little squirts of something, and that
something was running down her leg.

Hump My Knee and Ejaculate on My Leg Elmo didn’t sell nearly as well as Tickle Me Elmo.

“Sarah, time is up, you may remove the thermometer.”

Elmo stood up and she was able to see the pink tip of his penis
disappear inside himself. She then inspected her leg. There was a creamy
liquid there, and it smelled funny. When Maria turned her head for a
moment she put a tiny bit on her finger and tasted it. It tasted sweet,
very sweet, like icing. (Little did she know that monster semen evolved
to taste exactly like icing to entice humans into sexual activity.)

toht face melting.jpg


Please note: I’m not giving this a Toht for the actual idea of Sesame Street Muppet monsters evolving to have flavored cum, but for the fact that someone actually conceived such an idea, and then wrote it down. The fact that the author felt it was necessary to have Elmo’s semen taste good, and that is was necessary to have a reason for that, makes me want to lobotomize myself.

I think I need a minute. Let’s continue this nightmare after the jump.


“Emily, it’s your turn. Did you pay attention when Sarah did it?”

“Um, is fucking my knee a necessary part of the temperature taking process, ma’am?

“Uh, huh.”

“Great. Elmo, please lay across Emily’s lap.”

Emily had been VERY observant, and being a year older she knew that
Elmo had just used Sarah’s knee to ejaculate. Emily knew how babies
were made and how penises and vaginas fit together, and watching Elmo
hump on Sarah’s lap made her fantasize about his humping something else.

Yeah, how could you watch a two-foot tall underage muppet hump a child’s leg and not get totally turned on?

She at least wanted to be able to taste his semen as well.

Burn in hell, The Camel Hump. Burn in hell.

As Elmo
approached Emily, she casually swept her hand across her lap and spread
her legs wide giving him a full view of her white cotton panties. He
could even make out a deep crease in the front outlining her labia.
Instantly Elmo’s penis began extending from its sheath. Smiling, Emily
beckoned him over and he laid down compliantly. Maria handed over the
thermometer and she inserted it deftly. While the minutes ticked by
Maria busied herself with the newspaper. Emily saw her chance and
reached down, grasping his penis.

“Uh,Emily, what are you doing?” whispered Elmo.

“Elmo, be a good baby and lay still!” said Emily, loud enough for Maria to hear.

“Elmo, you behave and listen to Emily or you’ll receive a spanking!” snapped Maria from inside her newspaper.

Can you tell me how to get /
How to get to the liquor store

Elmo quieted down and Emily began to slide her fist up and down his
penis. He knew it was useless to resist and he started pumping in and
out of her soft child’s hand. The lubrication from his penis made it
very easy for Emily accomplish her task, as she heard Elmo gasp, she
felt him ejaculate hard. He squirted again and again for almost half a
minute until finally his penis began to soften. With a handful of semen
she lapped up a mouthful like a dog in a dog dish. It tasted delicious!
Without even trying to hide it, she began scooping up any trace of the
semen, unaware that Maria had been watching the whole time, and was
pretty impressed at the brazenness of the little twelve year old.

For the first time ever, I’m glad Jim Henson is dead. At least he never, ever had any chance of reading this.

“Time’s up kiddo!”

Emily withdrew the thermometer, examined it, and gave it back to her teacher.

“What’s next Maria?” asked an eager Emily.

“I’m sorry girls, that’s all for today. I’m afraid Elmo needs to rest
and you two still have time to learn the basics before the summer

Well, they learned handjobs and dry-humping, so I’d say it’s been a pretty educational day for them.

Sarah rose first and left to go explore her newfound itch. Emily
got up quickly and made a beeline for her room, where she could finger
herself in private. Lastly, Maria stood up and made sure Elmo’s diaper
was pulled up properly. By this time she was thoroughly horny, and
having observed Elmo achieving orgasm a total of three times during the
course of the last two hours, she surmised that monsters didn’t have the
refractory period humans had.

“Elmo, would you come with me please?”

Maria’s tone of voice was quite a bit calmer, more sensual, though
at this point Elmo obeyed simply as force of habit. She led him back
inside and back into her apartment, where she led the way back into her
bedroom. When she got there she unzipped her shorts and kicked them over
to the corner. She kneeled down in front of Elmo and slowly pulled down
his diaper.

If this gets any sexier I’m going to die. Seriously, I’m going to kill myself. I can’t take much more of this.

“I don’t think you need this anymore, do you Elmo? I know you’re older
than three years old, and I know you have feelings that are much older
than that. In fact, maybe some of those feelings are the same as mine.”

“Maria, Elmo doesn’t know what you’re talking about.”

“Hmm, I understand Elmo. Maybe you don’t know what I’m talking about
when I tell you I need to slip my finger inside my pussy because I’m so

S is for Statutory Rape

She moved her panties aside, licked her middle finger, and began to
rub her pussy. As Elmo watched her finger disappear inside her vagina,
his penis began poking out of its sheath again. Maria notice and moved
closer to him.

“I suppose you also wouldn’t understand if I took your penis and put it in my mouth.”

Makes Katy Perry’s tits seem like no big deal at all, right?

She wrapped her mouth around the head of his penis and he jumped.
His erection however became almost instantly hard and Maria began to
give him a full blowjob. As she bobbed up and down on his cock she
pumped it with a free hand and it was clear that he was close to
cumming. She stopped, got up onto the bed, and pulled her panties down
and off.

Thought: Elmo is like two goddamn feet tall. In order to give Elmo a blowjob, Maria would have to pretty much be lying on the floor. Also, how big could Elmo’s cock really be? Could she really get a hand and her mouth on it? Also WHY GOD AM I THINKING OF THESE THING SWEET JESUS END MY SUFFERING

“I’m also sure you won’t have any idea what I mean when I ask you to
please put that monster cock deep inside my shaved pussy and fuck me

She lifted up her shirt and began to squeeze her breasts together.
This was too much for Elmo, and he wordlessly climbed up on the bed and
between her legs. She felt him position his penis against her vagina and
slip the head just past her labia. Grabbing both side of her hips be
penetrated her as deep as he could go in a single stroke. Maria was
shocked at how fast and how deep he had gone into her pussy, and he
began to plow her in earnest.

On the other hand, Plow Me Elmo did sell pretty well back in 2005.

“Now Elmo, you can fuck me as much as you want but make sure you pull out because I’m not taking any birth control.”

toht face melting.jpg



Elmo didn’t care what she wanted. He been taunted all day and had
been forced to cum three times and had only now been able to screw a
pussy. He wanted to cum deep inside her vagina and she wasn’t going to
stop him.

“Elmo’s going to cum!!”


“Elmo, take your penis out of me, I don’t want to get pregnant!” She
tried pushing him off of her but he wrapped his arms around her waist
and held tight while he gave her the roughest fucking of her life.

R is for Rough Sex

Soon Elmo rammed his penis inside her as far as it could go. To Maria’s
horror, she could feel it grow longer push itself inside her cervix.
Once the head was firmly side, it then began spewing copious amounts of
semen inside her womb. Elmo spurted again and again, filling her up so
fully she felt distended. After ten minutes she felt him retract, and
only then did he loosen his grip on her waist.

Where the fuck do all these erotic fan fic writers get the idea that sex directly involves the womb? Why the hell do they invariably think that the womb is at the end of the vaginal canal, and that’s where semen immediately goes? Is it Wikipedia’s fault? Is there one site they all read that has it wrong? Do they get a pamphlet containing this erroneous information when they sign up to write this shit?

“Elmo, why did you do that?! What if I get pregnant and Lu?s finds out? I hope humans can’t get pregnant from monster sperm.”

“Maria was very mean to Elmo, and that wasn’t nice. Because of that Elmo
treated Maria like a whore.”



Let’s just savor that for a second.
“Because of that Elmo
treated Maria like a whore.”
“Because of that Elmo
treated Maria like a whore.”
“Because of that Elmo
treated Maria like a whore.”
“Because of that Elmo
treated Maria like a whore.”
“Because of that Elmo
treated Maria like a whore.”
“Because of that Elmo
treated Maria like a whore.”



Oh my god. There’s not enough liquor in the world to make me forget this nightmare.

“If you don’t want Lu?s to find out sooner
than later, then you will take Elmo’s penis whenever he wants you to.
Maria will also tell her daughter Gabi that Elmo will fuck her too and
will also carry Elmo’s baby. And Maria should know that humans CAN get
pregnant from monsters, and monster sperm is always 100% accurate, so
you will have Elmo’s baby in eleven months. Have a nice day!”

Lesson… learned.

Elmo got up and left the room, satisfied for the moment at his
conquest. Maria lay there naked but for Lu?s’ t-shirt pulled up above
her breasts. Elmo’s cum began leaking out of her pussy and she felt used
and disgusted at how badly the game she initiated had gone so horribly
out of hand. What was she going to tell Gabi? She was only 14 and hadn’t
even been out on a date yet? Maria had to see Lu?s. Just being near him
would clear her head, and then she could plan her next move. For now,
she decided to sleep, and deal with that later.

THE END. Of the chapter. Actually, there’s a second chapter, where Maria spies on her husband Luis at The Fixit Shop, raping with his daughter Gabi and Prairie Dawn, a muppet who looks like this:



…so it’s just as horrible as the first chapter in its own way, because at least Elmo looks like an anthropomorphic creature, and Prairie Dawn looks like a sock with a wig on (admittedly, the guy raping his daughter part is also horrible). You can read it here, but I am fucking done. Seriously, I think I’m going to go to Madcon and see if I can talk Harlan Ellison into a double suicide. If he says no, I’ll just tell him I think Roddenberry’s “City on the Edge of Forever” was better than his version, and I bet he’ll put me out of my misery quickly enough.