Videogame Valentines: And the Winners Are…

?I don’t know why there were so few entries in this weekend’s Videogame Valentines contest — seriously, less than 300? I feel like I failed somehow — but boy, that doesn’t mean the entries weren’t awesome. Quality over quantity, I guess. Let’s go ahead and get right to the romance, shall we?

Honorable Mentions are worth 1,000 bonus points or second base.

Smurfageddon:

Knuckles is red,
Sonic is blue,
My tails aren’t the only thing
of which I have two.
~Tails

Ridureyu:

Navi to Link:
HEY LISTEN! HEY LISTEN! HEY LISTEN! HEY LISTEN! HEY LISTEN! HEY LISTEN! HEY LISTEN! HEY LISTEN! HEY LISTEN! HEY LISTEN! HEY LISTEN! HEY LISTEN! HEY LISTEN! HEY LISTEN! HEY LISTEN! HEY LISTEN! HEY LISTEN! HEY LISTEN! fuck me now HEY LISTEN! HEY LISTEN! HEY LISTEN! HEY LISTEN! HEY LISTEN! HEY LISTEN! HEY LISTEN! HEY LISTEN! HEY LISTEN!

From Link to Zelda:

Love, Link

Daniel Dean:

“Cave Johnson here. Listen up, test subject! At this time of year, HR has determined it to fall within the parameters of responsible and considerate celebration to wish you a Happy Valentine’s Day. Now I’m not the type to go on and on about her emotions. I’m a man. Emotions get in the way of science and progress and liability waivers. If you ever want to invent psychic wallpaper you have to just push ahead and hire a woman to keep track of your emotions for you. Speaking of which, Carloyn: get me another cup of coffee and pencil me in for some undying affection about now-thirty.
“That’s right, you pulchritudinous pioneer, I’m talking about you, or perhaps the test subject standing next to you if your name is Marcel. You make this big crazy experiment possible. What? No I don’t mean love. I mean the gorilla we’re teaching to make keys. So Happy Valentines Day, science, and to a lesser extent Happy Valentines Day to you pursuant to your survival.”

“I’M GOING TO GET YOU….SOME CHOCOLATE! BE SINISTAR’S VALENTINE…IF YOU DARE!”

Alex Langford:

To Chell from GLaDOS:

“Portals are orange
Portals are blue
Come to the lab
I have cake for you

Turrets are white
Neurotoxin is green
The cake isn’t a lie!
Don’t be so mean

You monster.”

PossibleMisnomer:

From: The President
To: You Know Who
“Are you a bad enough dude to be my Valentine?”

JTtheConqueror:

From Link
Cover: Give me your heart
Inside: Seriously give me your fucking heart, this beeping is driving me insane

Scooter Atreides:

My darling Chun Li,
For you, the night Bison graced your bedroom was the most important night of your life…
But for me: It was Tuesday.
–M. Bison

VindicaSean:

You’ll have to beat me TWICE to get the *happy* ending, Valentine!
Arthur, Bob or Bub.

Jedisilk:

Tetris to Player:
How you line me up.
Ahh, no words can convey your
spacial reasoning.

Badger:

To April,
Looks like you’ll be on your own this year. We can’t get past the fucking dam.
Love the Turtles.

Carnivorous Bee:

Tetriminos “I” to the wall of blocks:
This Valentine’s Day,
Choose four blocks by one,
you can lay me down flat,
or try something more fun,
I know all your gaps,
so just let me in,
No need for protection,
You’ll only get thin.

Gregger:

Dear Carmen
You stole my heart, then you ran
I’m going to use the clues to track you down and be your man
Love gumshoe
Seriously where are you Carmen?

Kegs:

Pong Paddle #1 to Pong Paddle #2
You have to return my serve, but can keep my heart.

Doc:

(Gordon Freeman to Alyx Vance) Front of card: Picture of crowbar with caption reading “I’ve got just the right tool”
Inside: “To get into your heart”

(Mike Haggar to Abobo) Front of card: “Mere words cannot express…”
“…How epic our team up would be! No homo.”

Benfromcanada:

Ash, riding a train: I Pika-chu-chu-choose you!

Bakasai42:

To Phoenix,

If you raise no objection
To my presentation of affection,
I would like you to inspect this heart of mine;
If loving you is an offense,
I’ll waive my right to a defense
And plead guilty just to be your valentine.

-Love, Miles

PhantomSpaceman:

To Garrus, From FemShep
Saren is dead,Kaiden is too,
Jacob’s a racist,
So I killed him for you.

Raikus:

To Lydia,
FRUM DOH CHAAAA!
(That’s Thu’um for “I love you”). Sorry for the new hole in the wall.
Love, Your Dragonborn

To Fygar:
I want to stick my plug in you and pump you until you pop.
Yours, Dig Dug

OtherHalfofBattle:

Don Flamenco to Little Mac:
You never asked, I never told,
But your rhythm always made me fold,
Your left-right thrusts hit me just so,
Oh Little Mac, you’re a TKO.

LJDarten:

Samus to Princess Peach:
Skip mario and bowser,
You need some detachment.
I’ll make you say “wowser”,
with my suits new attachment.

Adam Welsh:

To: Jack
From: Frank “Atlas” Fontaine
“Would you kindly…be my valentine?”

Simone Nonvelodico:

When I’ll spread my legs in front of you,
you’ll know you’re in for one hell of a Hyakuretsu Kyaku.
Love,
Chun Li (to Ryu)

The Conjurer of Cheap Trick:

Valentine, I would give Horseback Riding, the Alphabet, and 50 Gold in exchange to be with you.
(Any world leader, Civilization series)

jane2010:

Bill and Lance,
Like a spread gun blast
To a pulsating heart
You make my tentacles wiggle
And my orbs blow apart.
Love, Red Falcon

P.S. Bill, I’m pregnant.

SocksArgyle:

Drac,
Your castle’s decor
Tends to make me sick
But you fill up my life bar
Like meat from a brick.
Love, Simon

Boredlizzie:

Game: Dark Souls
Dear Valentine,
You Died

Raymondthefrog:

Mega Man to Splash Woman: HOLY MECHANIZED JESUS you’re a girl robot who’s not my sister. Please be my robot valentine, I am seriously begging you.

Q(werty):

Sonya,
My head’s not gonna polish itself
-Kano.
(when she opens the card the musical chip plays the “FINISH HIM” sound file)

Raven6859:

To Albert Wesker,
Here’s that Jill Valentine you wanted

general_apathy:

Professor Layton to Claire:
Your heart is the puzzle a true gentleman leaves unsolved.
(…Well, that and the chess ones. Those are just bloody difficult.)

Chris Fairfield:

Sylvia:
I would kill 11 deadly killers
With my trusty beam Katana
For only the slightest chance
That I might get up on ya.
Travis

Now for the winners!

Chris Mathis:

Superman64 to player :
I will fly through millions of rings for you to show you my……..game message glitched please restart

Made me laugh the hardest. 

Strataboy:

we’ve smashed some tv’s
and been commandos red and blue
we’ve rescued cindy from slick
and some princesses too

the bubbles we’ve popped
and potions we’ve shared
you’ve shot the food
but i’m glad that we’re paired

we’ve climbed some ice mountains
showed abobo kung-fu
through all this i love you
my sweet player two

Was genuinely the best valentine. Hell, most of us could probably use this on our loved ones today and get a little Valentine’s nerd-nookie in return… unless said loved ones also read Topless Robot, in which case they would realize you purloined this from the TR contest and probably hate you for your lack of effort. Seriously, if you’re depending on me and my ridiculous site to further your relationship, you’ve fucked up worse than I did with this contest. Anyways, congrats to the winners and thanks to everyone who entered, and happy Valentine’s Day to you and yours.